Robert Manners

I Love Suzanne Somers!

Miss Suzanne Somers is my new best friend. It all started rather innocently...one day I was flipping through the channels, and while flitting past the Home Shopping Network, something sparkly caught my eye. I paused and waited as two dizzy dame-voices chattered on about this gorgeous to-die-for bracelet that one of them was draping across her hand, making it catch the light. Then the camera panned back, and LO AND BEHOLD! It was Suzanne Somers! As she continued nattering away with the rather dull blonde co-hostess about the various sorts of outfits one could wear a gorgeous Cartier-type link bracelet of pink and white cubic zirconia, I had to readjust my prejudices. I mean, this was "Chrissie" from the worst sitcom ever, Three's Company, that dizzy blonde with the topknot and the braless t-shirts and the IQ of burnt toast. This was the chick who made a parody of herself with the ThighMaster! The woman who then went on to star in yet another completely pointless sitcom, Step By Step (which at least had the factory-fresh blandness of the Disney Mass-Consumption Machine to keep it from being completely horrid).



But all past sins considered, I was flabbergasted to find that she'd taken up pushing costume jewelry on television...and, Oh My God, it's fabulous costume jewelry! Move over, Joan Rivers! Step aside, Nolan Miller! Take a walk, Kenneth Jay Lane (you bitter old fairy)! Suzanne's jewels are really nice! The freaky blonde broad has actual taste!



Well, anyway, I was impressed...but the pieces were still a bit pricey for my taste, and I didn't feel like calling up some anonymous drone in Kentucky or wherever (I hate talking on the phone) and spending my hard-earned ducats on brand-new costume knock-offs with a celebrity brand-name mark-up on it. So I continued on my merry way, changed the channel, and more or less forgot about it.



So, Episode II: all this last week I've been bingeing on jewelry at eBay. In the course of my travels, searching for bracelets (I don't know why, but I love bracelets best...yet they're so hard to find in my size), I wandered into a page entitled "Suzanne Somers 8" Trilliant Bracelet," so I went to investigate. The pictures were lovely, the bracelet was a line of equilateral-triangle-cut cubic zirconia in gold-plated settings, with a box-clasp and safety lever, which is really classy, and it was eight inches! For those who don't know much about costume jewelry, eight-inch bracelets are more rare than (real) eight-inch cocks; and since I have a 7.75" wrist, this is a lovely and necessary thing. Most of my bracelets have to be altered in some way, by either crafting an extension, or by buying bracelet/necklace combos and cannibalizing links from one to the other; it's really a pleasure to wear a bracelet that closes all the way, hangs a bit from your hand, and slides up and down your wrist. When I see an eight-inch bracelet advertised, I jump. And I'm willing to pay a lot more than I would for a seven-and-a-half-inch bracelet that has to be let out.



Well, I won that auction, rather pleased with myself, though somewhat irked that I'd almost gotten outbid and had to go up to $60 for the bracelet. Then I sort of put it out of my mind, concentrating on newer things.



The bracelet came in the mail yesterday, and it was love at first sight! I don't know if you've ever seen a trilliant-cut gem, but they're gorgeous! They catch an amazing amount of light. And the bracelet was so smooth, heavy and light at once somehow, and it draped on my wrist so prettily! I've been wearing it ever since. I even slept in it. When I took it off to take Grandmother grocery shopping (she doesn't approve of men wearing diamond bracelets, even imitation), I kept thinking about it. I can't wait to go put it back on!



The day I got the bracelet, I decided to go to the Home Shopping Network's website to see if I could discover when there was going to be another sale of Suzanne Somers items. Upon arrival I discovered that HSN has made a signal improvement since last I visited them: you could buy online, and didn't have to talk to anyone on the phone (which, like I said, I hate...which makes it odd that I chose to become a secretary).



So I wandered through the costume jewelry section, and saw lots of pretty things I wanted! But they tended to be a trifle expensive. High quality, beautiful things that I couldn't really afford easily...for example, the Trilliant bracelet was still available (I was considering getting more of them), but it cost $159.95 on sale (which made me feel a lot better about the sixty bucks plus shipping I paid at eBay). But I intended to come back and look often, keep an eye peeled for sales!



Well, to occupy the time between, I scoured through eBay again trying to find more Suzanne Somers bracelets. And I found two! A Trilliant bangle (also eight inches in circumference, and also still available at HSN, currently on sale for $59.95) and the twin of my new eight-inch beloved. Both at chunky prices, though well below retail. Well, I snagged the bangle with the "Buy It Now" feature; the line-bracelet, though, I had to wait for, since someone had already bid the minimum (which removes the possibility of Buy It Now), but the auction wouldn't end for another seventeen hours, at 6 pm the next day (today). So I planned my entire day around being on eBay at 6 pm...and some asshole outbid me in the last minute of the auction! EEEEEAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!



Well, the nerve of some people! But I will not be vanquished! If I couldn't have that bracelet, maybe there are other bracelets I could have for a similar price, at retail or on sale, from HSN. I don't have to wait through the tedious auction process, I can get it straight from the source, making sure good ol' Suzanne gets her cut! And so I did. I bought the Lavender Starlight Bracelet, the Multi Gemstone Cuff, and the Clear 8½-Inch Simulated Gem bracelet. Okay, so they were a trifle expensive (a whole day's wages, pretty much). But OHMIGOD they're my size! My Size! I have never seen an 8½-inch women's bracelet anywhere, and never such a gorgeously gaudy one!



And that's why I love Suzanne Somers. She has heard my cry for eight-inch bracelets of unparalleled glamour, and she has responded! God bless you, Suzanne. You have made one accessory-mad drag queen very happy.