Friday, August 22, 2003


If that doesn't boost my web-traffic, nothing will! I noticed that when I posted a title that played on the name of the hit Bravo show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I got 122 hits in one day (I usually get around 45 or 50), and so today, as I have absolutely nothing of any interest to talk about, I figured I'd just play with keywords and see what happens.

BEN AFFLECK NAKED! I'd like to see that, but only out of curiosity... he looks like he has a big one but doesn't really know how to use it. I'm curious to see what he has that made him remain famous despite the fact that he has appeared in some of the worst films in history (the idiotic Dogma and horrendous Gigli are bad enough, but did anybody see Bounce? It was aaaaaaawful).

Or how about if it were a case of BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON FUCKING!!! That I'd like to see. One does get to see a fair amount of MATT DAMON NAKED in his films, such as School Ties (click here and here to see small animated gifs of MATT DAMON SHOWERING) and The Talented Mr Ripley (that lime-green bathing suit never fails to push my buttons), but I've never seen MATT DAMON FUCKING in his movies... I bet he's a total enthusiastic top who'd whoop and holler when he came.

I have seen BRAD PITT NAKED in his famous Playgirl invasion-of-privacy issue, and he's ever-so-pretty nude. I think he should show it off more. If I were JENNIFER ANISTON NAKED (perish the thought), I would convince my husband to give the world rather more views of BRAD PITT NAKED!!!! Of course, I would also insist that he shave daily and wear those hot fade-down sunglasses he wore to the Golden Globes last year. I would also quite literally fuck him to death. With a strap-on (because if I were JENNIFER ANISTON NUDE I wouldn't have a cock of my own, would I?)

And (as I seem to be free-associating now) how about those CHICKS WITH DICKS NAKED? I've never quite grasped the allure of that sort of thing... I suppose since most of the TRANNY PORN pictures I've seen picture a great deal of very bad drag, and because the NAKED SHEMALES worry me somewhat... I've always found BIG FAKE BREASTS kind of icky, even moreso than real NAKED BREASTS, and it always associates in my mind with GENDER REASSIGNMENT SURGERY, which has always amounted in my mind to GENITAL MUTILATION, and that makes me terribly uneasy. Not that I profess to disparage gender reassignment surgery, or transexuality or transgenderism either... these are things that are terribly special and personal, things I don't think you can really comprehend unless you're going through it, and I don't mean to make light of something so important to anybody... it's just the weird thing that my phallocentric and surgophobic mind associates (and I'm curious what search-phrases that'll attract).

So, who else does the Google-searching public wish to see NAKED? Who's popular with the pervs these days? How about HUGH JACKMAN NAKED? He's such a big yummy gorilla... and that name, it's so terribly suggestive! I would love to see that movie with him in Regency rake attire (which I have always found inexpressibly hot), but it unfortunately is not only a Romantic Comedy (a genre I hate), but it also has MEG RYAN (NAKED? I hope not) in it. It's just like that hateful little bitch to ruin a hot Hugh Jackman movie.

Personally, I would love to see ASHTON KUTCHER NAKED... I even like seeing him clothed, even when he's being a total asshole on that ludicrous MTV show of his, Punk'd. Such a pretty face that boy has! Maybe JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE NAKED would draw in the crowds, and after his Rolling Stone cover, he's on my short list of Very Hot Celebrities (though I loathe his music and abhor his fashion sense). Oh, great, now I'm thinking about ASHTON KUTCHER AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE FUCKING!!!

I must clear out my brain for a moment... how about BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED, that would also be a bit of a draw... although what's left of her to see? BRITNEY SPEARS' NIPPLES? BRITNEY SPEARS' BEAVER? BRITNEY SPEARS' ANUS? BRITNEY SPEARS' EARDRUM? There's really not much left that hasn't been on display at one time or another. She's awfully cute, though. I like Britney... out of all the Britney Clones she's definitely the most attractive and amusing.

Well, I've exhausted my imagination with this one. Quite possibly my most paltry attempt to date. And since I've lured some of you here under false pretenses, here's the closest thing to NUDE GAY BOYS that my domain server will allow me to publish:

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