Monday, May 24, 2004

Laugh Until You Pee

My depression has totally jumped the tracks in the last month or so, no longer limiting itself to the weeks immediately preceding an equinox... I am now having manic and depressive swings several times a day. Some days are more depressive than manic, some days are more manic than depressive. And either way, I'm horny all the time... a budding bipolar disorder may be socially and emotionally difficult; but as far as intensely pleasurable orgasms go, I feel pretty well recompensed for my nuttiness... twice a day, yet.

The last few days have seen me more manic than usual. I fidget a lot, only able to sit still when I force myself or when I am overcome by a wave of sleepie-weepies (that feeling of being so tired that you want to cry) that passes in a few minutes. I get bored easily, and anxious, and irritable, sometimes all at once. I feel short of breath quite frequently, too.

But on the other hand, I am finding things screamingly funny that ordinarily might only inspire a smirk. For example, Friday night while I was engaged in my envelope-stuffing (an ideal pastime for a fidgety manic episode), I watched Legally Blonde II: Red, White and Blonde on VHS and laughed longer and harder at the hackneyed cliches disguised as humor than I did the first time I saw it, in the theater.

And yesterday, at the Royal Grand Ducal Council's "Divas vs Knights" show, I laughed so much and so hard that I gave myself a sinus headache, a sore throat, and a tarnished reputation... one of the gift-baskets that were auctioned contained margarita mix, margarita glasses, a pound of coffee, two coffee mugs, two porn DVDs, and a nightlight — the nightlight struck me so funny that I actually screamed and snorted, for so long and so loudly that all eyes in the room eventually swiveled to me before I was able to stifle myself. When another basket came up containing (among other things) condoms and popcorn, I had to excuse myself to the restroom as tears ran down my face and hysterical giggles strangled in my throat.

My question for myself is whether or not this hysteria (insterspersed with despondency) is really a bad thing. I'm kind of enjoying this intensity of laughter that has characterized my manic days, not to mention the intensity of orgasms. But I could do without the fidgeting, and I could definitely do without the despondency... so I guess I have to do something about it.

I'm first going to try herbs and acupuncture, which have helped several of my friends; but I have to wait until my checking account recovers from my recent bouts of depression-shopping. That ivory ball (see below) pushed my secondary credit card over the limit, and I got behind on my car-payment; having made my minimum payments and doubled-up car payment, I am now completely broke until next payday, ten days from now (at which time I have to cough up for my annual gym membership and a new pair of glasses, as well as my usual car insurance, cable bill, and more credit-card payments). Such a tangled web I weave when I allow myself to go into debt.

By then, I may have evened out again, or I may be depressed again, or I may still be manic. That's the hardest part of this newest bipolar stuff, I can't tell what's going to happen next and can't plan around it.

Oh, well. In the meantime I am going to re-watch all of the comedies I have on VHS that didn't make me really laugh the first time, and enjoy the hell out of them.

PS: I finally got my comments back... I had forgotten my YACCS password, and my email server was tossing their here's-your-password emails into the SPAM pile for some reason... anyway, they're back online so feel free — encouraged, even — to use them!

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