Chronic Fatigue Syndrome sucks. I doubt if what I'm dealing with would be characterized as CFS by a physician, but I am certainly experiencing some symptoms, and I'm sick and tired of them. Being tired all the time is just so bloody inconvenient.
I wanted to go to a Court show today, Mama P's Charitable Christmas, in fact I've been planning on it all week... I planned what I was going to wear, what I was going to perform, all that. But come the day, I was too damned tired, I had too much else to do around the house, and I just couldn't pull myself together enough to even go, much less dress and perform.
And so instead of sporting the rather fabulous gold outfit I've been longing to wear for some months, I lay here playing Blood Lust on FaceBook and reading. I got up to take a shower, at least to get dressed and maybe get some housework done, but showering and dressing made me so tired I was shaking, so I had to come back and lay down.
After my bout of depression last month, I have yet to fully recover what little strength I'm used to. I've been sick with nameless ailments twice, one a sort of flu and the other an obvious cold, each lasting a few days and making life difficult. I haven't missed any work, or at least I didn't until this Friday, and my productivity is OK, but maintaining my standards is very draining. So when the weekends come, I'm so done in that I spend the whole time laying around instead of doing the things around the house that need doing, both for Christmas and for just regular upkeep. Simply feeding myself is a challenge.
I'm not sleeping well these last few days, and that's taking the greatest toll. I have a hard time dropping off, I wake up a lot, and I have very vivid and sometimes disturbing dreams.
The thing is, I'm having to face the possibility that this is what life is going to be like... that this is something I'm going to have to learn to manage, rather than something that will go away if I could just eat the right things or get enough rest or even change my medications. What if this is just the beggining? What if CFS is about to becoe part of my life the way bipolar disorder has become part of my life?
It's kind of scary to consider. I don't want it, no thank you, not today.
But then, I don't get to choose, do I?
As always, I shall remind myself that it could be worse, that taken all in all I have a pretty OK life. But I still wish it was completely OK. Or maybe even fantastic.
Is "fantastic" really so much to ask?