I win! I've beaten the impotence! Oh, my darlings, I feel so much better!
Yesterday I was sitting in the office, surfing porn all undisturbed and remarking to myself on how quiet the phones were, when the lyrics to a song occurred to me: "God is tryin' to tell you something!" Why was I wasting my time in the office when there was SHOPPING to be done?!? Perhaps God gave me this lacuna in my working day so that I could fill it as my destiny requires. So, I turned off the computer and the portable heater and the coffee pot, flung my cream lambswool scarf (hand-knitted by Chinese sweatshop workers) around my neck with purpose, and set out to reclaim my title as The Queen of Shopping.
It all unfolded in a rather amusing manner. I stopped off at Home Depot on Davis Street in San Leandro first, to buy a showerhead (see my blog below), and then wandered in to the See's Candy store adjacent and picked up several boxes of mixed variety for extra gifts (the office cleaning lady and landlord, the wonderful Julie and cutie-pie Jeff at the sammich-shop). Well, that little bit inspired me, and I wandered southward to Marina Boulevard where the Marina Outlet Stores huddle beside the Nimitz Freeway, glowing like Paradise in the rain. The Mikasa outlet was my first stop, and yielded two gifts: a candy dish and a crystal pie-server (see previous blogs for my family's feeling about pie). Then on to Nordstrom Rack, where I found many things! Well, I didn't really see anything that jumped out at me, even at outlet prices most of the merchandise was a little out of my range, and the line was of unbelievable length. But just before I left, I wandered through the accessory aisles and found a ring that I just had to have (a cubic zirconium of dazzling vastness, in a starburst setting). Well, I couldn't stand in that epic line for just one ring, but I had to have the ring...so I made a second circuit of the store and snatched up gifts for my father, both my aunts, my sister, and Shiloh. O blessed catharsis!
Well, now I was on a roll! I got back on the freeway and thought about the last few gifts I needed to get...and thought of what to get for my Grandmother and my Uncle (as I was passing the Coliseum...'nuff said); then headed towards one of my favorite emporia, Barnes & Noble, where I picked up a bunch more gifts...mostly filling out the many-items-in-one-gift things I'd started for some of my friends...I even managed to pick up a copy of Lord of the Rings so that I will be prepared to see the movie over the Winter Vacation...and then jaunted a block and a half to the Jack London Cinema for a gift certificate. And with that, I AM FINISHED! My Christmas Shopping is complete!
Oh, what a load off! Literally! It feels just like I hadn't had an orgasm in weeks, and now I'm reeling in the afterglow of consummation!
Now all I have to do is decorate the tree, clean the house, decorate the house, do some laundry, wrap all of my and Grandmother's presents, prepare for and perform in a show, exchange presents with certain of my friends, bake yams, help Grandmother make pies, set the table, and do all the other little Christmassy things that have to be done before 2 pm on Tuesday. Piece of cake!