Robert Manners

Shopping Impotence!

Help! I am suffering from Retail Dysfunction! Somebody invent Visa Viagra!



Last evening I spent four hours at Southland Mall, investigating every shop, considering every kiosk, scouring every shelf...and I came away with only one present! Sob! I'm so ashamed!



But I will not be conquered. I am a Shopper! I Shop! I will not let the complete lack of taste displayed by department stores and boutiques get me down! I will not let the rain, the crowds, the screaming children, or restrained finances keep me from maintaining my reputation as acheteur par excellence. I have seven presents to buy and I will buy them before this week is out! And they will be fabulous! I will reap accolades from my family..."Oh, it's exactly what I've always wanted" they'll say, tears of gratitude leaping from their eyes..."Why, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," they'll exclaim, galvanized with joy..."How did you ever guess I needed this?" they'll ask incredulously as their deepest desires are unwrapped for all to see.



In the meantime, I still have to go to the Home Depot for the new shower head. The tree stand is already in place, as is the tree...now I have to decorate it. And I have to clean the house. And wrap Grandmother's presents for her. And help cook pies and yams. And pretend to be enjoying myself. And hide my disgust at the effusion of Christian festival. And get over this cold that won't leave me alone. And get some rest. Oy gevalt.



Someday, I will act out my own Christmas Fantasy: I will go away to an islamic country, someplace warm and scenic and historical...Egypt, I think, the Land Before Time (ahh, winter on the Nile); I will avoid all Europeans and Americans and South Americans and anybody else who would be so gauche as to cart their idiotic Christmas rituals with them to the oldest nation on earth; I will sit on a veranda with a view of the Temples of Luxor, and I will IGNORE CHRISTMAS. Oh, what bliss it will be! Of course, knowing my own perverse heart, I will probably be lonely and homesick spending Christmas in Luxor. But then, I will later appreciate family traditions more, if I ever had the chance to miss them.



Well, whatever. No use struggling against the inevitable. Christmas is. And I have to deal with it. And I will! I will!