Tuesday, June 10, 2003


A couple of weeks ago, Susan of Easy Bake Coven posted a quick list of things for which she was grateful; ever since then, I have been thinking about doing one myself. Gratitude Lists are a regular part of recovery, they keep you focused on the positive things in your life instead of the negative. They also give you something to look at and remind yourself, in the "Count Your Blessings" manner, that your life isn't as bad as you sometimes like to think it is.

On the other hand, Gratitude Lists really take the gas out of bitching and moaning about one's minor inconveniences as if they were cataclysmic tragedies worthy of an entire Wagner cycle. Since feeling sorry for myself is one of those things that my sick little mind clings onto, I feel a certain amount of resistance to getting too elaborate or thorough in my gratitude.

I have noticed, through reading my previous posts and emails I've sent to people, as well as remembering conversations I've had lately, that I have not been in what one could describe as a "fit spiritual condition." I have been angry and frustrated and listless. I have avoided writing, avoided phone calls, avoided doing things that I want to do and/or have to do, using the excuse that I'm so terribly busy with work and events and whatnot. The Committee is yelling its heads off inside my brain, keeping me awake as I number my worries and worry my fears, late into the night. I have not prayed or meditated; I have conducted myself as if I did not believe that there is a God and that this God would help me if I asked; in my darker moments, I even wondered if there really is a God at all.

As you can imagine, that sort of thing simply won't do. These are the first steps towards relapse, or at the very least a "dry drunk." And so I have been making conscious changes to get back into my program. I have been eating better, exercising at the gym, and getting my things in order at work and at home. Through daily prayer and meditation, I have told each voice in The Committee where to get off and where to shove his contradictory and seditious opinions. I have returned to conducting myself in accordance with the guidance of a power greater than my own will. And I am happier and calmer for it, wallowing in serenity.

And so, since you can never have too much serenity, I am going to write a Gratitude List, and post it here for your delectation and edification (and for my own future reference).

But not today. It's taken me since ten this morning just to write this much. Today I have spent all of my time and a good many brain-cells writing large picket signs for our members to carry to a board meeting tonight. Aside from having to come up with compelling arguments for the district to not discontinue the Blue Cross PPO, and then coming up with ways to keep those arguments under ten words and fitting them on 24"x36" placards, but I've also had to sniff permanent-marker ink in a not-very-well-ventilated room while I'm doing it. And now I have to go change into my really cute gym outfit and schlepp over to Gold's for my hour of cardio between five and six (perhaps while talking to my sponsor on my cell-phone), then I have to go to the grocery store for supplies, then eat my dinner, then go to my AA meeting, then go to fellowship after the meeting... if I have time after all that, I will write a Gratitude List.

In the meantime, we will merely resort to enjoying the steamy flesh of pulchritudinous young men via the photography of Mr Bruce Weber (by way of the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog... sharp-eyed hunkwatchers will find Ashton Kutcher and Tom Welling secreted somewhere in this one):

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