Saturday, September 20, 2003

Nothing Clever

It's been a terrifically busy week. Loads and loads of work to do, and then errands to run, and fun things and boring things and tiring things.

I have been disappointed by people a lot at work... people who say they're going to do something and then don't. I find that upsetting. Or who do things that make extra work for me, even with good intentions behind them. I find that irritating. But away from work I have been elated and delighted by people who do things without being asked, out of the kindnesses of their own hearts, or after being asked in a roundabout way. And that makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.

But as we all know (or should know, if we are ever to attain happiness), we can do nothing about the actions of others. We can wish, we can hope, we can drop passive-agressive little hints here and there, but ultimately we cannot control others. Again with the free-will thing.

So this week I am trying to concentrate on doing what I'm supposed to do, what I say I'm going to do, what I wish I could do, what I don't end up doing for whatever reason. Am I being kind? Helpful? Generous? Not so much as I could, and I have been giving in to irritation rather more than I should. I have let myself get angry and stay angry. I have let myself be lazy about how I say things, not fully considering the feelings of others.

I've been human, I suppose. Not much of an achievement for one who attains to divinity... and barring that, just wants to be let alone.

Am I babbling incoherently? Yes I am!

Here are some things I don't like about myself that I can't figure out what to do with:

    1) Shaving. I hate shaving. But I am a drag queen so I can't grow a beard. And even if I did grow a beard, I don't like beards and would hate that too. Damned testosterone.

    2) I'm far too good at justifying my actions, even when I know I am wrong. I'm so good it takes me eons to notice that I'm justifying.

    3) I become incoherent with rage whenever I feel that people aren't listening to me. I know on a logical and rational level that perhaps that person is hard of hearing or maybe my headset isn't close enough to my mouth, or maybe there is an infinitesimal tiny wee chance that I am in fact mumbling... but whenever I'm made to repeat myself I just see red.

    4) I project shockingly dishonorable assumptions and motives onto people who I know to be better than that.

    5) I want things to be clean, but I don't want to clean them. I don't want to clean anything. Ever.
Here are some things I do like about myself, in hopes of counterbalancing the above:

    1) I'm a damned good drag performer. I don't know what it is that I do, but I can feel when I'm transcending, and I love watching myself on video. I'm just so impressed with myself.

    2) I almost invariably do what I say I'm going to do. I might do it late, I might do it wrong, I might go through a myriad convolutions and contortions to avoid saying I'll do it... but once I say I'll do it, I do it.

    3) I like to share what I have. Even when I don't have it.

    4) I try. I want to be a better person and I do try.
Well, that was an interesting exercise. I keep thinking of things to add to the first section but am struggling to think of things to put in the second section. What do you suppose that means?

On a lighter note, Graham Norton at the Alcazar was amazing. I laughed so hard my face hurt. He's a funny, funny, funny man. The timing, the tone, the playing off of the audience in a truly improvisational manner. And his rhinestone-encrusted white jeans were divooon. I'm half-tempted to break down and subscribe to digital cable so I can get BBC America.

So anyway my darlings, I need to get started on my day. I have people coming over this evening and I have to start cleaning (nononononononononononono!) the house from stem to stern. Well, maybe not that much, but I need to do some dusting and some tidying and some vacuuming. And it will probably take me a good hour or two just to talk myself into starting... and then there are fruit trays and cheese plates to arrange, two dozen red carnations to find a frog and bowl for, a table to re-clothe, and furniture to rearrange for guests. So I'd best get cracking!

Love you!

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