It has become my tentative semiconclusion that I may quite possible be once again in the grip of depression. But this doesn't feel like the depression I'm used to. Certainly it has some similarities: I feel lethargic, I'm having trouble concentrating, and I'm horny all the time. But I don't feel sad or overwhelmed, and I'm not having manic spikes.
Perhaps the difference is that since I'm not working, I'm not having to force myself out of lethargy, and I'm not having to force myself to concentrate. I can just hit the couch and stay there. On the other hand, it's sort of taking the fun out of being able to hit the couch and stay there. The trouble concentrating is so acute that I can't read or write or even watch a movie... I can't focus on anything that isn't interrupted every seven minutes by commercials.
On the other hand, I have to wonder how much of what I'm feeling is because I'm not working. I haven't heard a peep back from any of the jobs for which I've applied these last three weeks at the one big company that I really had my heart set on, not even the one where my resume was delivered personally to the hiring manager by a reliable friend. I didn't even hear back from the department I didn't apply for but who found my resume in their system and ordered the skills testing that I took last week (and aced... perhaps I was overqualified).
And then, I was turned down for unemployment insurance... I can appeal, I have a few more days to consider it and want to get some opinions from people who've had experience with the California EDD, but even if I prevailed it would take several weeks... so I won't be getting any unemployment money this month, and I'm running low on cash. I have enough to pay this month's bills, and if I'm prudent I can pay some of next month's, but after that there's nothing but borrowing from the Grandmother. And by "prudent," we mean: no shopping of any kind whatsoever. I can't even buy lunch or videos or books. Just kill me now, OK?
I've been working on Chapter Four of Worst Luck, but I'm getting nowhere fast. The speed of the plot just picked up, and there are lots of places where I'm not exactly sure of my factual footing yet (I haven't done any of the research I need to do into the SFPD system), so I don't feel very confident even of the things I've got written down, much less the direction the story is going.
Nevertheless, I am working on it, and getting at least a little bit done. If it turns out my facts are askew, I have plenty of time to fix them, and it has been something of a strength-building challenge to avoid forcing the entire plot to hinge on a fact that may turn out later to be incorrect.
And about the job stuff, I guess I'll just have to widen my search and really start concentrating on getting a job. My weeks of planned relaxation are over, so I need to get off my ass and get busy. I also have a house to clean, since I'm having a party here next Sunday (to celebrate my ten-year anniversary in sobriety), and I'd like to get my room put in order while I have the time.
Perhaps what I should do is make up a "work schedule" to follow the next couple of weeks. Spend certain amounts of time looking for a job, certain amounts working on Worst Luck, certain amounts cleaning, making up an eight-hour workday. And then I can do whatever I want for the rest of the day, like watching television or whatever. Something to think about.
Well, whether I'm depressed or just bored, it's better than a rap on the head with a sharp stone, as my Daddy always says. My mother always says "It's better to be pissed off than pissed on," but I don't think that applies to this situation... it in fact has nothing to do with anything, I'm not sure it's even true, but that's the way Mother is: always with the colorful nonsequitur.
Well, darlings, it's time for my early-afternoon nap. And then the Grandmother and I are going down to San Jose for dinner with the cousins, and before that I ought to call down to the psych department with my referral and get an appointment in the works. But first the nap, I've been awake for, like, four hours now and I can't take anymore. Toodles!