Sunday, June 26, 2005

The Interview from Heck

So I haven't posted here in a while... I posted some new over at Worst Luck (Chapter 6 Part 1 v2 and Chapter 6 Part 2), but then I just emailed my two loyal readers instead of posting here about it. So if you want to know when I update Worst Luck, leave a comment there so I know you're interested, okay?

But I wanted to post something here before I go back and finish "Chapter 6." In keeping with my current Meme Theme (because all of my good creative energy is going into Worst Luck, I don't have any to spare here), here's a very amusing one I got at Green Duckies and would love to share with you.

It especially touched me because this meme asks you to pretend you're on a job interview. I am looking forward to going on job interviews someday soon, and they do ask the oddest questions, so I need the practice to keep on my toes. This interview is surreal to begin with, so the answers are not serious. Except about the clowns. But even if they're not serious, they are entirely true (well, the hat story in #12 is somewhat exaggerated). So anyway, enjoy...


The Fake Interview Meme

By Beth via Dana Marie.

1. Which constellation in the night sky do you identify with the most? Give me a synopsis of the mythology of that constellation, the correct coordinates in the sky, and the reason why you have chosen that constellation. Corona Borealis, whose primary star, Coronae Borealis Gemma, is located at RA: 15h 34m 41.26s and Dec: +26° 42' 53.2"... this constellation represents the tiara worn by Ariadne when she married Dionysos.

As you will no doubt remember, Ariadne was the princess of Crete who helped the Athenian prince Theseus escape from the Labyrinth after slaying the minotaur (she gave him a ball of string). Since this pretty well pissed off her father, King Minos, she had to run off with Theseus, who told her he loved her with a love that would never die. On the way home, however, Ariadne was "lost" on the Isle of Naxos... anyway, Theseus said he looked for her, but you know he'd never admit he was lost himself... so he abandoned her on the shore. While she was sitting there on the beach feeling sorry for herself and wondering what it was she did wrong, Dionysos (the god of wine and of theatre), noticed her sitting there and looking ever so pretty in the sunset (sunset lighting is the most flattering), and decided to marry her and make her a goddess. Which just goes to show, Greek men will break your heart, but Greek gods are da shit.

And finally, I love this constellation because it represents a tiara, and tiaras totally give me a boner.

2. What do you think of the color yellow? I'm in favor of it, but I think it should stay in its own neighborhoods; I mean, I like yellow, I support yellow's right to exist peacefully and enjoy the same civil rights as me, I just don't want yellow to move in next door to me. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person, does it?

3. My team lead needs to have the skills to tell me stories, complete with hand gestures. Go. Unfortunately, the only hand gestures I know are nonfiction. But I can tell you a story about how fictional hand-gestures cause colonic prolapsis. You want to hear it? I thought not. (PS: link not safe for work, children, or sensitive stomachs... it's sooooo gross!)

4. What is your opinion about clowns? Do you hold the same opinion about clown shoes? Clowns scare the shit out of me (seriously... I mean, don't even). If I see a clown, I will cry. But it's really the clown face that bothers me more than the clown shoe... yet, where there is a clown shoe, can a clown face be far behind? I would be inclined to run from a clown shoe before the clown face could catch up with it.

5. Which member of The Beatles was your favorite? Why? The mythical Fifth Beatle. Because he's always changing, and change is good. Speaking of which, do you have any change you could give me? I'm saving up for a one of those fancy dildoes molded from a real porn-star's cock, and they're kind of expensive.

6. Can you build an ark if there was a flood? Would it float? No, of course I can't; isn't that what we have immigrant laborers for? And, therefore, obviously, No it wouldn't float, since I didn't build it. Things which do not exist cannot float. Duh.

7. Follow-up to the ark question. Which ten species would you NOT take in pairs on your ark? "Species" is so specific, can't I pick a phylum or a genus? It would save so much time. No? Oh, wait a minute, this is a trick question, you said pairs... so as long as I bring more or less than two, it doesn't have to be none? No? It has to be one or none? Well, why didn't you say so to begin with? God, you're annoying. You'd think someone so picky would be able to dress himself better.

Okay, so ten animals that I would have only one or absolutely none of on the Ark. And I am assuming that I am not so benighted as to bring animals on board that can breathe underwater or float indefinitely? Okay, how about:
    1) domestic cats, I'm sorry, I know you have a cat and you love cats, but I just don't like them and would rather see them all drown, even this one you have a picture of on your desk;
    2) there are too many spider and insect species to choose from, so I can't say those since you stipulated it has to be a species and not a genus or phylum, so I will say the Daddy Long Legs spider, because those creep me out more than any other kind of bug;
    3) clowns aren't a species, but you can bet your flabby old ass I won't have any on my Ark, and that includes mimes, too;
    4) rats, they stink and are icky;
    5) squirrels, just to show them that they aren't any better than rats just because they have big eyes and fluffy tails;
    6) rabbits, I hate rabbits, unless they're cooked... they think they're so damned cute, with their soft fur and their floppy ears, but they're just big rats, too, and they stink;
    7) lemurs, fuckin' creepy, with those big staring eyes and those little pinchy fingers;
    8) tarantulas, there's just no reason for tarantulas;
    9), 10)... whatever. I'm sick of this bullshit. Do you have any cookies? Or heroin?
8. What is the cure for cancer? Presymptomatic Suicide. The cancer can't get you if you're already dead, now can it? And then, if you killed yourself before you had children, eventually the gene that predisposes one for cancer would die out, and cancer would be cured forever! Don't you want to do your part to cure cancer forever? Why not? What kind of selfish bastard are you?

9. Without the aid of a calculator or paper & pencil, what is the square root of 1,234,567,789? It's 35136.416849189389135155124817826. No, I didn't use a calculator! Are you accusing me of cheating? You wanna step outside and say that, mister? I didn't think so, ya punk-ass beyotch.

10. Tell me your thoughts about sprinklers. The kind that pop out of the ground and spray in all directions are really scary and mean, but the ones that go chuk-chuk-chuk-chuk-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch are cool. And the ones that swoosh back and forth like an upside-down punkah are pretty cool, too, so long as you can jump over them in your underwear. What do you mean, you don't know what a punkah is? You must be a Class-A moron. Everybody knows what a punkah is!

11. If you had a choice between being able to fly and being invisible, which would you pick? While flying would totally reduce my commute time and obviate my problematic road-rage, I'm far too much of a voyeur to pass up invisibility. That would be so fucking cool to spy on people when they don't know you're there, watching them have sex and listening to them talk unguardedly... you'd get the best stories for novels, and you'd never have to buy porn again.

12. What do you think about hats? I like hats, but hats don't like me. They make my ears stand out and emphasize how big my head is. And then, this one time, a hat bit me. Swear to god, it had teeth and everything. I was just sitting there minding my own business, dropping my acid and not doing anyone any harm, and this big-ass straw boater just walks right up to me and bites me on the leg. Can you beat that? Fucking straw boaters aren't even fashionable anymore.

13. Here's a scenario. Aliens have just invaded the planet and are colonizing in Minnesota (because they are crazy - you know aliens, never doing enough research about weather patterns). They have decided to not kill all humans and earth creatures and look for employment. How would you coach an alien in selling banking products? What? Wait, am I applying for a training position? In a bank? I thought I was interviewing for a game show. Well, fuck me with a stick!

14. Do you participate in Internet forwards? Do you believe that sending the email actually gives you good karma? Internet forwards are bad karma, dude. I mean somebody has to forward them, and I guess if you forward them you want your friends and family to help you bear the load of your bad karma, so you tell them it's good karma to send it along. But, dude, you just totally lied, and that's bad karma, too. So just don't do it. Unless there's a picture of a puppy in it.

15. Have you ever dreamed of monkeys ruling the world? If so, please describe the dream in detail. Be specific about the differences if monkeys were creating policy. No, I never dream about monkeys; but I do frequently dream I can suck my own dick. That's how I know I'm dreaming... sometimes I'll be in this dream and I wonder, is this real? So I try to suck my own dick, and if I can reach, it's a dream. In more ways than one, if you know what I mean, nudge-nudge wink-wink. Spoogetastico!

But if I did dream about monkeys ruling the world, they would not have policy, they'd just shove us in cages, make us play the cymbals and dance to a hurdy-gurdy, and throw crackers at us. It would be totally hot.

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