Wednesday, September 16, 2009

September Song

It's that time of year again, the dreadful weeks leading up to the autumnal equinox, in which my depression unpacks its adjectives and makes itself at home. Not that I don't get depression symptoms at other times of the year, but I always experience my severest symptoms from the beginning of August up until the latter part of September (the same thing happens in February and March...what is it about equinoxes that makes me crazy?)

But this time around, I had the job thing going on (see previous entry), and that kept me so wound up and preoccupied that I didn't really notice any symptoms. When I got to the end of the job thing, after a particularly wound-up week of interviews and waiting, and I didn't get the job... so everything unwound all at once, leaving me lying in a sticky smelly pool of emotional detritus. From there I plunged into a deep depression, and after a week of that I started swinging between depression and mania (swinging so fast and frequently that perhaps "vibrating" would be a better word), and just generally falling apart...where you find me now.

I must say, though, that I wasn't all that upset over losing the job. I mean, I was certainly disappointed, it was kind of exciting to think about, and a lot of thought and emotion and work went into the process; and then all the excitement ended in nothing more than the status quo.

But, in general, I am relieved I didn't get the job. During the interviewing process, I started to feel very strongly that I really wasn't ready for that big a jump... it wasn't just fear, it was a rational look at what I learned during the interviews which resulted in a distinct impression that it would require more of me than I had to give... specifically in the realms of authority.

I mean, I'm pretty good at being authoritative, but I have never been comfortable with exercising authority; and in that position I would have to exercise authority all over the place. I'd also have to hobnob with the executive level, not just listening attentively to their needs but also schmoozing them into accepting what I can give them instead of what they want. Not my cup of tea, you know?

Well, anyway, I'm over it. I got some good ideas about things I can do to develop myself professionally, and I will still keep an eye open for further opportunities; but in the meantime, I am going to focus my remaining energies on doing the job I have to the best of my abilities (if not better...better would probably be good).

So let's see, anything else going on in my life? Probably... but I can't think of it right now. So I guess I'll just slide off to work, wishing you a happy day and a pleasant tomorrow.

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