I'm feeling really crummy, and have been feeling really crummy for quite a while... not continuously, but often enough that the non-crummy days are vastly outnumbered and cower below the surface of memory, making not a peep.
I think it may be coming time to change medications again. The depression has become increasingly acute in the last months; I initially attributed these downswings to my other health problems, and the usual Vernal Equinox swing that I get every year during February and March. But I haven't had any major health crises (except for a severe chest cold) in the last month or so, and March has come and gone and taken April with it, and I'm still fluctuating.
Contributing to this fluctuation is The Maw, my new catch-all phrase for the variety of things going on in my mouth. I had all my extractions done Friday before last (the end of April), and while I was fairly well braced for pain and discomfort, was not even remotely prepared for the frustration of trying to talk with no teeth, the incredible discomfort of wearing temporary dentures that don't quite fit right, and the discomfort/frustration combo of trying to talk with my temporary dentures.
Neither was I prepared for the sinus problems that attended on so many extractions, one breach so big I can shoot water through my nose with it; with so many fluids going through my sinuses (which are supposed to be a closed system), it's no surprise that sinus infections have come and gone and come again. Between the pain in the sinuses and the pain in the gums, it's no wonder I'm getting depressed... pain is depressing.
And then there's an issue of nutrition: even with my dentures in, I can't chew anything... if it's not soft enough to be mashed against my hard palate, I can't eat it at all. And though I have never been a big fan of eating hard apples or munching on corn-on-the-cob, I am suffering mightily from not being able to eat cheese and crackers, hamburgers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, steamed broccoli, or Clif bars. I'm pretty much limited to soup, pudding, ice-cream, yogurt, canned fruit, and canned ravioli.
The only really nutritious foods I can get down are V8 juice and meal-replacement shakes... and of course, if given a choice between a bucket of rice pudding or a big glass of V8, or between a dish of ice cream or an Atkins shake, guess which one I'm going to choose? And so since I'm eating more sweets than anything else, the increased sugar and lack of nutrients are messing with my moods, as well.
Not having a car has been a little depressing, too. Though I really do enjoy taking the bus to work and back (most of the time, when they run on time), but it's oddly emasculating to always be a passenger in other people's cars. I have for a long time been very skillful at making myself the designated driver in any situation... "Let's take my car," has been my perennial suggestion pretty much ever since I started driving ten or so years ago. Part of it is a control issue (I don't like how other people drive), and part of it is an independence issue (I don't like having to rely on others for my needs), but it's a lot more deeply ingrained in my psyche than I thought it was. I'd prefer to not go places than to have to ask for a ride to them.
So with all that going on, life is just one long moaning sigh. But this, too, shall pass (it had better!) I am getting a little more accustomed to the toothlessness and dentures, which have basically required me to relearn speech from the ground up (lots of consonants have had to be moved to entirely different portions of my mouth than I am used to); and I should be getting my permanent dentures around the end of August, which are guaranteed to fit perfectly, allowing me to chew and talk sensibly and all that jazz. And I'll get another car in the next couple of months, as soon as I can save up a bit (meaning I'm going to have to cut waaaaaaay back on the shopping) so I can at least go to the grocery store when I want, if not take road trips.
Well, that's all I have to say at the moment. See you next time!