Robert Manners

Ah gods duh sniffohs

Well, the cold that has been threatening for the last few days has come home to roost. I have used up one half of a box of Kleenex ColdCare with Aloe, and have sneezed seventeen times today (my sneezes are epic and painful, or I wouldn't count them). But worse than the sneezes (which are at least good for the abs and lats, so long as your heart doesn't seize up) are the almost-sneezes...at the drug store earlier, the lady standing in front of me in line edged very quietly away as my face went through a variety of Tex Avery cartoon contortions while trying to get a tickle of dripping snot out of my sinuses.



But then she saw the two boxes of Sudafed Sinus and the big bag of Cold-Eeze, and figured out that I wasn't a demented lunatic but just another poor schmo with a head cold. She wished me a speedy recovery and rekindled my belief in basic human kindness. Doesn't that just warm your heart? It did mine...and now my heart is dripping all over the place, same as my poor nose. That bitch!



Well, anyway, I got a new VCR today, and it is very exciting. I'm reading the instructions, and they're deliciously complicated: the "VCR-Plus+" feature allows me to simply punch in a six-digit number provided in the TV Guide, and it will know exactly when and what time to tape my shows...but only after I program in the channel locations of all of TV Guide's recognized networks and cable stations. That should only take me until Summer, if I'm diligent.



Sometimes having a Manly Man around the house would be so convenient...programming VCRs, assembling cheap bookshelves, knowing what certain domestic implements are supposed to be used for, getting the icky stuff out of the drains, giving a shit about when the oil and brake fluid were last changed. According to my research, only Manly Men know and care about these things. I must remember to get one next time I'm out shopping. I wonder what they like to eat?



Yes, darlings, I'm delerious. I am going to warm up some Campbell's consomme and get my germ-beseiged self into the bed.



N-i-g-h-t-y-[yawn]-n-i-g-h-t-!