Robert Manners

Yackety-Schmackety, Blah-Blah-Blah...

Today seems to be the day for attitude. Every time I answered to phone in the office today, there were people trying to bend me to their wills by force of their indignation and/or sarcasm. Silly fools. Don't they realize I'm a WASP alcoholic drag queen and therefore impervious to such amateurish theatricals?



"Well, why isn't she in the office on Fridays?" queried one member when apprised that Madam Prez (AKA the Boss-Lady) was not in the office today; "Nobody comes in on Fridays except me," I replied with a cheerful smile in my voice (which I did not feel...pure acting); "But I'm a teacher, and Friday's my only business day off," she whined, mistaking my faux courtesy for actual sympathetic concern; "Everybody here is a teacher, too...except me—that's why I'm the only one in the office," I refrained from telling her that I used to want to be a community-college teacher until I went to work for a college teachers' union and found out what an asshole job community-college teaching really is; "Well, can you give me her home phone number?" she presented what seemed to her an obvious solution; "I'm sorry," I prevaricated again with a musical lilt...being in fact about as sorry as a crocodile munching on a baby bunny..."but I'm not allowed to give out home phone numbers"; "But I have to talk to her today!" the caller whined (most unbecomingly, I thought...not exactly the sort of dignified sangfroid one expects from college professors); "I'll leave a message for you on her home phone," I reasoned, "but I can't guarantee she'll get it, or call you back, before Monday"; "Well, if that's the best you can do," she huffed, not at all mollified; "That's fine, then! I'll call in a few minutes and leave the message for Boss-Lady to call you as soon as she can," I emoted some more, enthusiastically reading my reply as if she had told me she really liked my voice, my phone-manner, and my admirable grasp of the situation...which rather took her aback—I think she was expecting me to return her snippiness with more snippiness of my own (which, had she only known, would have been fatal to her); "Okay, then," she continued, not sure how to end the call since I wasn't playing her game; "You have a great weekend!" I trilled, hoping instead that her ovaries would fall out while she was standing in a very long line at a very crowded grocery store, then lapsed back into truthfulness with a fervent exclamation of "Fucking cunt!"...but only after I had pushed the "off" button and removed the headset.



And that was just one of many such calls today. Well, we weren't put on this earth to have fun all the time (or so the Grandmother always assures me). I figure that's not such a bad price to pay for the fact that I had the office to myself all day and could belch and scratch and look at porn all undisturbed. I was working on a newsletter and a flier, too, and needed the concentration.



Well, let's see...what else is going on today? Oh, here's the Friday Five again (I was going to put it in last week, but the questions were all about browsers and newsgroups, and I didn't really find them interesting or, really, answerable).



1. What cologne or perfume do you wear? White Diamonds when in drag, Grey Flannel when out, peach oil when I'm not sure, April-fresh Downy when I don't care.



2. What cologne or perfume do you like best on the opposite sex? I don't have an 'opposite' sex, darling. But I find the smells Obsession and Acqua di Gió very sexy on men, and I love Amirage de Givenchy and White Shoulders on women.



3. What one smell can you not stomach? Just one? Uhm...ammonia.



4. What smell do you like that others might consider weird? Pipe tobacco...especially the fruity-flowery kind.



5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? Laundry. Nothing but laundry! I'm down to bathing suits instead of underwear...things have gotten out of hand.



Well, I guess that's all I have to say today. Back to the porn...talk to you later!