Friday, August 20, 2004


When you have nothing whatever to say, assemble a colorful phrase of swear-words; bonus points if you can incorporate an Anglicism or two. Then repeat it over and over in a sing-song voice until they come to take you away to the Nut Hut.

Do you ever wonder if, given the opportunity, you might do something really insane and wrong? I mean, do you ever get a sudden urge to do something horrible, like running over a random pedestrian or raping some passing boy or shoving a steak-knife into a dinner-companion's forearm, for no particular reason? And then worry that someday you'll have such an urge and the voice in your brain that stops you from doing such things might just be taking a little snooze? Or is it just me?

I sometimes worry that one of these days my Impulse Control Mechanism is going to get overloaded and just quit working without telling me. Like maybe someday my superego will be keeping my id from jumping on Kyle at the sandwich shop and just chewing on him (my usual struggle when confronted with Kyle's almost-unbearable adorability), and my id will just snap and slice my superego across the throat with a straight-razor, and there I'll be assaulting the poor boy and ending up with a restraining order and nowhere to get a sandwich at lunchtime.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't know how to just let loose in an appropriate manner, so I always keep every impulse under control at all times... thereby overstressing the Impulse Control Mechanism and possibly weakening it with overuse. Perhaps that was one of the benefits of alcohol, getting good and drunk so that my controls turned off and got some rest. Since I quit drinking, though, I can't think of any situation in my life where I allow myself a complete loss of control... even in sleep, my superego is on guard, keeping my dreams from getting too out-of-hand.

Maybe I was potty-trained too early.

But I guess the thing is that I'm just feeling a little crazy today... the Depression is here with me, I think (it's the usual time of year for it), and I have been experiencing odd surges of emotion — sudden anger, sudden despair, sudden sorrow — punctuating long stretches of almost oppressive indifference and mental lethargy, all overlaid by the comings and goings of various tension and sinus headaches. And when I feel this way, the suddenness of impulses takes me more by surprise, and I feel but a slippery grip on them.

The time has come, the Walrus said... I'm going to see that homeopath next week, as soon as I get paid again. I have paid off all of the big expenses that have plagued my bank-account this summer (annual gym membership, car registration, new glasses, etc.), and have rather curbed my shopping practices (increasing the strain on the Impulse Control Mechanism), so I should be able to afford it now. I look forward to a more evened-out physical and emotional state; hopefully he or she will be able to do something for me.

In the meantime, it might be wise if I avoid driving, pretty young men, and sharp objects... and maybe find a healthy way to relinquish self-control for certain periods of time...perhaps investigate a light B&D scene?

Mmmmmmmm perhaps not.

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