Thursday, September 23, 2021

Checking In With Myself

So, that "write every day no matter what" hasn't worked out so well... I'm trying to decide if I should go back and edit the post where I stated my intention, or work out a new intention (like, every week or every other day or every day with a U in it), or just address it with the usual shrug of flaccid inertia. I'm guessing the latter is going to turn out to be the winner. It usually is.

I've been having to ask myself how I feel, lately... it seems I've been depressed for so long that I've gotten used to it and the overwhelming sorrow has become an old sweater that I forget I'm wearing. Or an old hair shirt is probably more appropriate. I don't feel anything in particular on the surface, so I have to launch an interior diagnostic, how do I actually feel? Is there a squeezy feeling in my chest like my heart is imploding slowly?  Check.  Am I going to start crying any second but probably won't actually cry because I seldom ever do, I just feel like I am? Check.  Does my blood feel itchy and seem to want to get out of my veins and go walkabout? No, not today, so that's something. 

Do I have anything I want to do today, anything I'm looking forward to, anything I'm even remotely excited about? Mmmm... no check. Do I have anything I need to do today? Yes, unusually, I do: I need to go to the bank, and I need to get a birthday card for Caroline and a "you're the best" card for my uncle and get the latter into the mail... that's nice to have things to do. Do I want to do any of those things? Mmm... maybe? Better stated, do I have an aversion to doing any of those I sense any resistance to doing any of those things... do I have the energy to do any of those things? Mmm, not sure. We'll see how the day develops. The birthday card is time-sensitive so I'll probably be able to make myself do it, and get the other things done while I'm up because I have to capitalize on anything that forces me out of the house because I never know when I'll be able to do it again.

So, how am I today? I'll rate myself Low Neutral, not great but not terrible, just under baseline OK. I'll probably feel better after I run my errands, as getting out of the house on any pretext always makes me feel better. One would think that would be sufficient motivation to get out of the house, but either I don't want to feel better enough, or don't believe I deserve to feel better, or don't have the strength to push back against my disease wanting me to feel worse, so getting out of the house is this massive struggle, same as taking a shower or grooming myself in any way. 

Maybe I should go back to bed for a little while, have another cup of coffee and read a nice escapist suspense/romance on my phone, before undertaking this grand adventure of Going Outside. Consider whether or not I can put it off until tomorrow... no, let's not think about that.

Well, we'll have to see what we see. Until next time, goodbye and good luck and don't take any wooden igloos.

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