Robert Manners

Random Asinine Mannersisms

Another Friday-Five-less Friday! Heather at Smattering has been having some trouble with the server, I guess...so now whatever shall I do? I guess I could do as suggested and visit the archives for an old Friday Five to resurrect. Maybe I will. Later.



For now, I have a few things I need to get off my chest.



Why do Spring/Summer Fashions suck so bad? Every month I go through the Fashion Magazines (Vogue, W, In Style, etc); in the late summer I revel in the skin, in the autumn months, I revel in the fabulousness, in the Holiday months I revel in the glamor and gift ideas; in the late spring months, I wonder what happened to the designers and editors over Easter break?! Were they collectively dropped on their heads? Did each and every one of them eat bad oysters and spend two months in hallucinatory comas?



I was just flipping through this month's W, and am horribly disappointed. When a magazine is that big and heavy, you get really ticked off when it wasn't worth the effort. Too many boobies...and not even nice ones. Too many shredded gauzes. Too many too-dainty-for-me jewels. Too many puffy lips and frazzled hairstyles. Even Countess Louise Esterhazy's column at the back made no sense and wasn't funny.



Maybe it's just W this month...the latest Vogue was pretty good, actually, with Natalie Portman on the cover and more than a few hot guys scattered amongst the ads. Vanity Fair was pretty interesting, too, if I remember. But after the W fiasco, I think I won't pay any attention to this month's Elle, Bazaar, or In Style.



But in general, I find that the late-Spring fashion lines aren't very nice. Not even the menswear is interesting (note that GQ and Details didn't even rate being complained about, too boring to even consider). It seems to be the time of year when designers dip into the "Fashion Don't" files and see what they can salvage. And then, next thing you know, Sarah Jessica Parker is seen wearing it on Sex and the City. Or they'll replace Marc Jacobs with Tom Ford at whatever fashion house, and things get even worse (rule of thumb: never wear a male designer who wouldn't look good in drag, and never wear a female designer that looks like she's capable of giggling...I don't know why that would be, but all the really great designers are either girly men or ungirly women).



Doing a Google search just now, I am shocked to discover that the Hungarian Countess Louise Esterhazy has been dead for eons and that the humor column credited to the Countess Louise J. Esterhazy is written by John Fairchild, the former publisher and longtime editor of W and its mother publication, Women's Wear Daily. Well, I never!



That doesn't forgive that it wasn't funny or sensible or even interesting.



Oh, well. On to other problems in the world today.



Why do human beings never tire of complaining about the weather? I myself often indulge in this pointless pursuit. But it seems that we always have something negative to say about it, even when it's lovely out. It's always a little too hot, a little too cold, a little too sunny, a little too damp, a little too windy for someone.



I've decided, though, that this is why we have weathermen: not to tell us what the weather is going to be like, but so we have someone to blame when the weather isn't what we like. "Gee, it's cold out here, the weatherman didn't say it would be cold"..."What a nice day! The weatherman said it was going to be cloudy this week"..."The weatherman said it was going to rain, but my lawn is wilting"...The weathermen are the scapegoats of the modern world. As if the poor twits actually controlled the weather, rather than just reporting on what they and their equipment are guessing the weather will do.



Why do people drive slower than the law or their accelerators allow? If you can go faster, why don't you? I don't get that at all. I just don't.



Why ask why? Here's a sample of questions that plague me daily: why are rubber ducks yellow? why was I born to poor people when I so clearly exhibit a talent for being wealthy? why does my television recognize channels 0 and 1 when there are no such channels anywhere in the world? why are sock-monkeys so appealing? why are people so damned ignorant on purpose? why are teenagers so much prettier than old people? why is everything a matter of process? Why do most leafy green vegetables taste so vile? and on a related topic, who was the first person hungry and desperate enough to discover that artichokes are edible?



Okay, those are my thoughts for today. I never did find a Friday Five I felt like answering (I've been hunting through Smattering's archives, all the while doing research on Louise Esterhazy and writing this blog and answering the phone...what I like to call "multitasking"). The last phone call was the boss-lady, and she's on her way in. I guess I'd better look busy, so I'll just end now with the usual slice of yummy beefcake:

Why is the penis considered obscene, but beer-bellies aren't?