Saturday, July 27, 2002

Simulated Shame

I'm a little ashamed of my late obsessive behavior with The Sims. I went even nuttier after the last time I posted. I've been downloading new skins and objects for my Sims. I have been creating new Sims, building them new houses, and then destroying everything in disgust because they're not perfect. I built a Sim tower that was unbelievably expensive (in Sim money, anyway) and yet in which no furniture would fit, then exited without saving. I discovered that Sims can die...if you take away their free will and then ignore them, or if you wall them up. It takes them a long time to die, they suffer terribly, but they are transmuted directly into an urn without lying around as a corpse and decomposing.

But is that really why I haven't been blogging? No. It's just what I've been doing instead of blogging. Or talking to my friends. Or cleaning my house, or walking around the lake, or shopping for books, or doing anything I normally do or enjoy. It's the symptom, not the problem.

As Daisy pointed out a few days ago, there is a pattern repeating...I seem to be broke, porn doesn't interest me, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone, and all I can deal with is some obsessive form of nonreality like Goldeneye or Zelda or Perfect Dark or Mission: Impossible on N64, or Ancient Empires or Ceasar II or Harry Potter or The Sims on the PC, or just watching television for hours and hours at a time. I waver between petulant complacency and weepy boredom. I am sleepy all the time, and yet when I go to bed I don't sleep very well.

Guess what, kids? I'm depressed again. O Joy, O Rapture.

It's arrived a little early this year. Or perhaps I'm just aware of it earlier. Whichever the case, I expect that my awareness will prevent the depression from getting too bad before I do something about it. I only wish I knew what to do about it. So far I have just been taking it easy, letting myself play with my obsessive toys and making sure I don't get too hungry or angry or lonely or tired. I am allowing myself to be depressed but not allowing myself to indulge in self-destructive behaviors.

Like today, I loafed a certain amount of the time, but I managed to get quite a lot done anyway. I dusted and vacuumed the living and dining room, gave fashion advice to Caroline, ironed my Grandmother's tan linen pantsuit for her, and attended a friend's birthday party. I have some movies rented, and of course all of my games to play if I get bored. I have you, my beloved reader, to talk with. And I feel pretty good today. Tomorrow, who knows? But we'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here...and most importantly I will not criticize myself for pampering myself a little bit, letting things go that aren't important, and just being depressed if that's what the day has in store for me.

So anyway. I got some new Sim skins yesterday, which I might install on the game or not. I got The Adventures of Felix at the video store, which I watched last night (it was cute, although it was French); I also got Speedway Junky and The Damned, which I might watch tonight or tomorrow. Or perhaps I might do a little writing tomorrow. My Novel-in-Progress hasn't been added to in quite some time (have you read any of it? I'd love it if you did, and would appreciate any and all feedback). We shall see.

Well, darlings, I'm going to go see if there's anything worthwhile on television. My shoulders are feeling a bit achey, I don't think I want to sit in front of the computer anymore (I have got to get a more ergonomic setup here at my home computer), and I don't feel like reading TV it shall be.


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