Wednesday, August 14, 2002

100 Questions

I just don't believe it's possible for anyone to know too much about me. And I just love answering surveys! Here's a great big long one I found at Bouillabaisse for the Soul, which came from Mindspillage, via Still Life with Woodpecker, apparently originating at Virtual Chicago... because sometimes, size does matter!

1. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie... deeper and deeper 'in' every year.

2. Have you ever worn bell-bottoms? Well, I was a kid in the 70s, and so yes I wore bell-bottoms. As I reached puberty, I changed to flare-legs, since bellbottoms were a little too inconvenient... but I had a hard time giving up flares. I didn't start wearing straight legs until Levi Strauss stopped making flared jeans, and I do believe I bought one of the last pairs ever made.

Nowadays, of course, I wouldn't be caught dead in them.

3. Have you ever written a song? No. I've written poems, though. They stank.

4. Can you make change for a dollar right now? Right now, yes... because I'm in my office. I could also do so in my room. But walking around, I never carry change with me. I leave it in the bowl on my desk or drop it on the floor in my room... sometimes I drop it in the ashtray of my car, but I always end up using that change for parking meters.

5. Have you ever been in the opposite sex's bathroom? I assume one means gender-specific public restrooms? Then yes, I have. When I was little, my grandmother used to take us into the ladies' room if we were misbehaving, and that happened to me once... I remember being quite impressed with the spaciousness and cleanliness. And nowadays, since I am a drag queen, I feel I can use pretty much whatever restroom I want.

6. Have you ever smelled your own feet? Not since I was a child. Not only do my feet never smell (since I learned to keep my socks clean and my shoes ventilated), but if they did smell they're too far away for me to notice them.

7. Do you like ketchup on or beside your french fries? On the side, so I can dip daintily or dredge delicately. Sometimes I don't even use ketchup (or catsup, as one prefers) at all.

8. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No. And if I could, I don't think I would.

9. Have you ever been a Boy/Girl Scout? I was a Cub Scout for one year, and later on a Boy Scout for two years. I was terrible at both, having no desire whatever to go camping or make handicrafts or be around boys my own age, though I was a sucker for the uniforms. I got merit badges in knot-tying, leathercraft, and first aid... perfect training for a dominatrix, but I haven't ever found a use for any of those skills in daily life.

10. Have you ever broken a mirror? Several times. I have a broken mirror in my purse right now, in the pressed-powder compact that I kept dropping on the ground at the SF Gay Pride Parade.

11. Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole? No, I was never that stupid. I also never went on a "snipe hunt." Furthermore, I've always lived in coastal California, where there are no frozen poles. Still, my stepsister Heidi once put her tongue on a metal ice tray, and the drama and blood ensuing from that little episode taught me that frozen metal and wet body-parts don't mix.

12. What is your biggest pet peeve? Rampant stupidity, especially as displayed by politicians, activists, the voting public, and most drivers.

13. Do you slurp your drink after it's gone? Can you slurp a drink after it's gone? Doesn't the absence of liquid preclude the possibility of making a slurping noise? But, yes, I do get every last drop out of there, and even suck on the ice after the beverage is gone. I am an alcoholic, after all.

14. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? When I was a kid, we had four plastic eight-ounce drinking cups at Grandmother's house, one for each grandchild, in different colors, which had Disney characters on the side and a straw built right in. Mine was blue, Michael's was green, Suzie's was pink, and Jamie's was lavender. But the straw was built right in! With a built-in straw, you are pretty much contractually obliged to blow bubbles in your milk.

I still do it every now and then, just for fun.

15. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? Is there a difference? Though I do prefer Burger King's greasy health-free hamburgers over McDonald's greasy meat-free hamburgers, the latter has far-and-away the better french fries.

16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Yes, in a very very cold pool with a cute guy I liked. Not a combination I recommend.

17. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? I usually don't ask for anything, and they automatically put everything in plastic; but sometimes I have to ask for paper bags... we reuse all the grocery bags, the plastic ones in the trash cans and the paper ones for recycling newspapers and magazines.

18. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza. Well, that all depends, doesn't it? Is it a good steak? Is it a good pizza? I'd rather have a Zachary's stuffed pizza with linguica and artichoke-hearts than a Sizzler t-bone with all-u-can-eat shrimp; I'd rather have filet mignon wrapped in bacon from Harris Ranch than a slice of Domino's pepperoni.

Morals may come in black-and-white, but questions about food simply cannot be handled with such flippancy.

19. Did you have a baby blanket? If so, what did you call it? I don't remember one, though I'm sure I must have had some sort of bedding during my infancy. But not one special blanket that I had to have or else.

20. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? Yes, I've gotten mad at it and went after it with scissors; I also maintained a midlength bob without much difficulty for years. But it's always best to let a professional do it.

21. Have you ever sleepwalked? I used to sleepwalk all the time when I was younger. I would get up and go about my business for hours, talking to people and watching television and even eating, without ever waking up.

22. Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? No! Quel gauche!

23. Can you flip your eye-lids up? No... and again, if I could I don't think I would.

24. Are you double jointed? I'm scarcely even single-jointed.

25. If you could be any age, what would you be?
Nineteen, forever and ever. I was so pretty then.

26. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? Gum? I don't chew gum. But I have had something that rhymes with "gum" stuck in my hair.

27. Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster ride? No, though I have been tempted.

28. What is your dream car? Just one? Oh, I would have to choose between a 1929 Rolls Royce Phantom III, a 1935 Deusenberg Model-J Victoria, or a brand-new Jaguar S-type convertible.

30. Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child? I don't generally swim in salt water. But the onetime presence of child-eating sharks would not deter me.

31. How many cavities do you have? God knows. My remaining molars are all riddled with fillings, and I have a cavity coming in on my upper incisor. My teeth are a mess.

32. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? Yes. It tasted pretty good, too, but a bit grainy. It in fact tasted a lot like the marrow of a chicken bone.

33. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, which would you do first: unbuckle your seat belt or open your window? You'd have to unbuckle the belt first, or opening the window would be pretty pointless. You only have so much time after opening the window before you are deluged. But this begs the question... what the hell am I doing sinking in a lake?

34. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? No, and I hope never to do so.

35. Can you pick something up with your toes? Yes. But I prefer to pick things up with my hands... it's just ever so much easier.

36. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Five that work (Grandmother's bedroom TV, my bedroom TV and VCR, the living-room TV and VCR), and maybe 20 that don't (we never throw anything away... we still have the "clickers" from the TVs we had in the 60s and 70s).

37. Have you ever fallen asleep in school? Once in the library I managed to doze off in an armchair. But I have never been able to get to sleep in a seated position.

38. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? Just twice, last week, to and from Disneyland.

39. How many foreign countries have you visited? I've been in Canada rather briefly. That's all.

40. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? If I was out of shape? But no, I wouldn't want to win something I didn't deserve... even if I was competing against people I could legitimately beat, I wouldn't want to have to swim, then ride a bike, then run. I can barely swim, I don't ride bikes, and I almost never run.

41. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? If I could be happy with poverty, I'd jump at it. But I'd really rather be rich and happy.

42. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? Everyone knows that you can't swim in quicksand. You have to be very still and try to keep afloat.

44. Do you ask for directions when you are lost? I'll ask directions when I get to a border crossing, but not before. But I don't get lost... slightly off-course, perhaps... unsure as to my exact whereabouts, but never ever lost.

45. Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean? Someone once gave me a little plastic bag of jumping beans, but they didn't jump. The little worms inside must have been dead.

46. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland? I always thought Cinderella was a sap. Why the hell did she work as a servant for the Wicked Steps? A little arsenic in the morning tea would have done them a world of good. At least Alice called people on their bullshit and told them they were silly. On the other hand, Cinderella did marry a prince, while Alice just went home...

47. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? An ant farm without ants is just a box of dirt. In fact, an ant farm with ants is just a box of dirt, but with bugs in it. Broken crayons, however, can be used just fine.

48. Do you prefer light or dark bread? I love white breads, especially sliced sourdough.

49. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? Scrambled eggs are fried. Geez! Poached eggs, boiled eggs, shirred eggs and the like aren't fried. But like I said, food questions always require more thought than moral questions... in iffy restaurants I usually get scrambled eggs because they're safer; when I cook, I usually make scrambled eggs or omelettes because they're easier. But I really like my eggs done over-medium, the way Grandmother makes them, and will order them that way in better restaurants.

50. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Miss Marjorie ran out of gas, once, and was I ever embarrassed! But it was her fault... the gas gauge doesn't work. At least she didn't poop out on the road, she just wouldn't start up again after I parked. I had to call my sister to bring me a can of gas. Now I keep a gas can in the car.

Here we are at the halfway point... time for a Beefcake Break...

51. Do you talk in your sleep? Probably, but it's like that proverbial tree falling in the uninhabited forest... there's nobody there to hear it. When Caroline and I were sharing a motel room on our recent trip, she told me that I squeaked in my sleep on the first night, but I didn't say anything cogent. I used to do it all the time when I was a child, as well as later in life if I had been drinking.

52. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn? Isn't that what hired men are for? But if I had to make a choice, I'd say lawn-mowing. Grass isn't as heavy or cold as snow.

53. Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python? Like Indiana Jones says, "Why does it have to be snakes?" But poison sounds tidier than constriction.

54. Have you ever played in the rain? Only when it's warm. But come to think of it, I haven't played outside in years.

55. Which do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark? I would guess they are equally dangerous. I really wouldn't know, and there is no earthly reason to believe that I would ever encounter either.

56. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? A kitten, maybe... but not a full-grown cat. I hate cats. But I like climbing trees, so I guess I would.

57. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? No. I used to know the difference, something about the eyes or the shape of the snout, but I've forgotten (so I asked Jeeves...crocodiles have longer, narrower heads)

58. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? I'm a Coca-Cola Classic kind of queen (who loves alliteration, even if only phonetic).

59. Whats your favorite number? Seven, or else two hundred and fifty million.

60. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car? God, I hate SUVs. So I would probably end up being one.

61. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? I can't even imagine such an accident. "Ooops, I thought that was my bedside lamp!" But I've never taken anything whatever from a hotel, not even complimentary stationery or giveaway toiletries.

62. Would you blow your nose at the dinner table? Oh, HELL no! That's disgusting!

63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? Slipped, yes, but not fallen.

64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap? Neither... I use moisturizing soap, Dove white bath-bar to be exact.

65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? Yes, several times... and out of the office, and out of my car. Keys aren't my specialty.

66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of The Simpsons voices? A Simpson's voice. I love The Simpsons, and voice-over work wouldn't require me to have a public persona, or even have to dress nice for work. Furthermore, a singing cowbow would probably have to sing Country & Western music, which I loathe.

67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? I would love to meet Sir Ian McKellan over a meal. That would pretty much make my life. But I'd rather have Brad Pitt, or better yet Vince Vaughn, but only if there was a sleepover included.

68. Have you ever made a semi truck honk? Yes, when I was a kid on road trips... most truck-drivers are very obliging about that sort of thing.

69. Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes? Oh, but I like big noses.

70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn't like? Yes. Many of my friends don't like each other.

71. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didnt like? Only if the best-friend were there. And usually, only if the best-friend is dating the person I don't like.

72. Have you ever returned a gift? No, no, no. That is the height of rude! I once exchanged a gift for a larger size, but I made sure to get the exact same thing and never mentioned it to the giver.

73. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? Again, no. I think of gifts as sacred. I still have every gift that has been given to me in adult life (except for flowers and candy, of course, as well as anything that I actually wore out with use).

74. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? Diving? Gymanstics? Wrestling? I don't know... I find most sports rather dull after a few minutes.

75. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Uhm... I hate doing higher math in my head... let's see... the grey Polo Sport sneakers I'm wearing right now, the red-denim Bass sneakers I bought at the same time but haven't worn yet, the tan leather Rockports I bought and plan to exchange for something less old-man-ish, tan Bass sneakers, navy-blue Bass deck shoes, cream-and-brown Florsheim nubuck saddle-shoes, khaki nubuck Airwalks, white K-Swiss sneakers, black patent-leather Bass cap-toe oxfords, luggage-brown distressed leather clogs that I wore for a week and absolutely hate but haven't the heart to throw away so they live in the trunk of my car, caramel glove-leather Hush-Puppy kiltie-mocs, burgundy Giorgio Brutini kiltie-mocs, filthy old white Vans deck shoes, surprisingly uncomfortable British Navy sneakers from International Male, black-and-white canvas sneakers from Payless, used-to-be-white Payless canvas sneakers... that makes sixteen pairs of men's shoes. Then add in the ten pairs of women's shoes I own for drag, the black mesh pumps, gold lace pumps, silver lace pumps, cream strappy pumps, black-and-white spectator pumps, blue satin skimmers, blue leather pumps, gold lame stilletoes, white pigskin thigh-high boots, and black suede granny-boots... that makes 26 pairs of shoes.

76. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her? No. I'd just have two of it. I can't think of anything you could recieve as a gift that you could never use two of.

77. Do you sing in the car? All the time. Even when I have passengers. If they don't like it, they can get out and walk.

78. Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey? How deep is the honey vat? Is the dumpster in an apartment complex or a nuclear power plant? But assuming the same amount of safety was involved, I'd go for the honey because it smells nicer.

79. What is your favorite breed of dog? Pug.

80. Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter? No. I never donate money.

81. If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike? Huh? I'd certainly never be a mountain bike, but I don't really know what a stingray is.

82. What is your least favorite fruit? Avocado is a fruit, isn't it? I hate avocadoes.

83. What kind of fruit have you never had? I have never eaten starfruit, breadfruit, or ugli fruit. There are probably thousands of varieties of fruits that I've never even heard of, though.

84. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Five grand wouldn't go very far at Nieman's or Saks, so I think I would pick either Virgin Megastore or Borders or MediaPlay, something with lots of different kinds of entertainment. Actually, now that I think of it, a spree at Macy's would be the most useful... boy clothes, girl clothes, silver, jewelry...

Have you noticed that there are certain things about which I cannot make up my mind, and certain things that I will swear to without hesitation?

85. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? Sports apparel? Surely you jest.

86. How many letters will/did I earn in my high school career? Letters? Whatever can you mean? You mean like sports letters to put on a letterman's jacket? No, honey, I just earned my diploma and got the hell out of there.

87. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? Caroline...she's got little girlie-arms. But she's the only person I know I could even hope to beat.

88. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? The Navy, I guess. It's always been the gay branch ("'Naval tradition' is nothing but buggery and the lash..." - Winston Churchill), and the uniforms are very cute. I don't like being at sea, though, and I disapprove of the military so strongly... if I had to choose, I'd really have to be a Conscientious Objector.

89. Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Maybe... if it was on fire.

90. What do you think is your best feature? I like my eyes. I also rather like my hands. And I think I have a cute butt. Unfortunately, these aren't enough to forgive my hair, my forehead, my teeth, my chin, my midriff, or any of the other major flaws in my appearance.

91. If you were to win a Grammy, what kind of music would it be for? Do they have a category for "Best Male Crow-Frightening Vocalist"?

92. What is your favorite season? Autumn. Love the colors (russet, gold, vermillion, moss), love the holidays (Halloween and Thanksgiving), love the weather (Indian Summer, crisp sunny days, cold rain, chilly overcasts, we get them all here in NorCal).

93. How many members do you have in your immediate family? If immediate family means those one lives with, just one, Grandmother. But if you mean immediate-by-blood nuclear family, I have one father, one mother, and one sister. I also have a stepfather, a half-sister, two half-brothers, two stepsisters, a niece, a nephew, a half-niece and half-nephew, three step-nephews and a stepniece, two grandmothers, one uncle, three aunts, one great-uncle and two great-aunts, five first-cousins, uncounted step-aunts and -uncles and -cousins, and over two hundred once- and twice-removed cousins whom I know and several hundred more whom I do not know.

94. Which of the five senses is most important to you? Sight. I use it to read, watch televsion, and ogle boys. But I would hate to lose any of my senses. I'm a very sensual person.

95. Would you be a more successful painter or singer? I don't sing very well, but a complete lack of talent never stopped anybody from winning a Grammy. Yet there aren't many painters who are successful during their own lives, so odds are that an untalented hack would be more successful in music than in art. Besides, bad art hurts my sensibilities more than bad singing.

96. Have you ever ridden a tortoise? Oh, my God, yes! I had completely forgotten about that! They used to have a Galapagos tortoise at the petting-zoo in Tilden Park, and you could ride on it. After I did so, I felt very sorry for the tortoise, condemned to spend it's life being weighed down and prodded by noisy awful children.

97. How many years will/did you end up going to college? I spent an aggregate eight years in college, five in community college and three in university, and only managed a Bachelor's degree. I plan to get a Masters someday, but I'm in no hurry.

98. Have you ever had surgery? Yes... in infancy, a testicular duct cyst was removed; in childhood, two spare canine teeth were removed from the roof of my mouth; in adolescence an infected lymph node was removed from under my chin; in adulthood, my wisdom teeth were removed. And that's all, so far. I'll probably have some plastic work done someday, and God knows my innards aren't going to remain in working order for the rest of my life.

99. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? Definitely a figure-skater. Oh, to have a sexy ice-skater butt! Oh, and I want to look just like John Zimmerman! Or maybe pretty young Fedor Andreev! Oooh! Yummy figure-skaters!

100. What do you like to collect? I collect costume jewelry, books, videos, clothes, and beefcake/porn pictures. I would prefer to collect estate jewelry, classic cars, antiques, furs, and beefcake/porn models... but c'est la vie.

Aything else you want to know? You have but to ask!

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