A Day in the Life8 am: Hit snooze button. Repeat action every nine minutes for two hours or until actually awake.
10 am: Sit up; read a piece of AA Literature; pray and meditate.
10:30: Wake up again from falling asleep during meditation. Read a few pages of Death of a Fool by Ngaio Marsh.
11 am: Drag tired carcass out of bed. Sneer with disgust at reflection of saggy-baggy naked 34-year-old body in full-length mirror. Drink coffee. Shower. Decide to skip shaving. Eat lime nonfat yogurt and buttered white toast for breakfast. Dress in as becoming a manner as possible. Talk disjointedly to the Grandmother. Walk around in circles trying to remember what you're doing.
12 pm: Leave for the office, where you were supposed to be at 11.
12:30: Answer phones, type a document in which you describe the functions of two fairly useless executive positions in as few words as possible. Wish you had never gotten up.
1 pm: Route faxes to and from boss, discuss Fee-Payers' Notice requirements and materials with boss and bookkeeper, listen to baby fussing. Wish you had never been born.
2 pm: Draft letter, print copy of Fee-Payers' Notice from last year; wrestle with the toner cartridge in the printer to try and get rid of the big white blank stripe on the side of your prints; wish everyone would just drop dead.
3 pm: Get hungry. Realize that you can't get a sandwich at either of the sandwich places because they're both closed now.
3:15: Realize that even if you go to the liquor store for a made-yestrerday-with-no-mayo sandwich, you don't have enough cash in your pocket to pay for it. Eat a can of tuna instead.
4 pm: Write an advice column for the Galaxy Girls website.
5 pm: Post the article. Switch over to Mannersism and try to think of something witty to write about.
5:15: Seek inspiration looking over yummy pix at beautifully designed but oddly coded Japanese beefcake site.
5:30: Start writing about your day in itinerary format. Try to convince yourself that this will be even remotely interesting to anybody anywhere at any time. Decide you don't care if anyone is interested.
5:45: Start worrying about reading your own work out loud at a salon to which you've already accepted the invitation.
6 pm: Post your idiotic drivel to Blogger.
6:30: Get in the goddamned car and wrestle your way through the goddamned traffic.
7 pm: Eat dinner, do laundry, watch television.
12 am: Start thinking about going to bed.
1 am: Actually get in bed, watch some porn (etc.), read some more of my book.
2 am: Actually go to sleep, and wonder tomorrow why I can't wake up at 8 am.