Picture Post: Blue Jean

Saturday Check-In

This has been a pretty good week... it had some low points, but it had more high points. On one occasion, I even said aloud to the universe (and the two people in the room with me) "I feel good!" It was a lovely feeling, a feeling I once took for granted, but which now I must cherish and acknowledge whenever it occurs.

The high point was learning that Prop 8 had been overturned; although it really has little to do with me, as I've quite given up believing any man worth having would be daft enough to hitch his wagon to my trainwreck, I have to say that I was elated by the announcement. Walking on air, even. It was a relief from a load of anger and resentment I hadn't even realized I'd been carrying ever since November before last.

The low point was discovering that the pre-filled document I had lobbied for, and thought I'd gotten, and had already printed out, and had already announced to the rest of the staff, was after all a no-go; I was furious, partly because I really felt we needed that document pre-filled, but (to tell the truth) rather more upset that the announcement went out already and I would look a bit foolish having to retract it. I got so depressed after that (not because of it, I think, but rather due to the extremes of emotion, going from elated to irate within eighteen hours) that I was afraid I might not make it home... if the traffic hadn't prevented me from picking up any speed, I think I might have plowed my car into a tree or pylon.

But even that low-point was balanced back to the good when the director who pulled the rug out from under me about the pre-filled document took a moment to commend me in front of all my coworkers at the staff meeting on Friday. I guess I'm a sucker for praise, but I thought it was really sweet of him to give me a pat on the back for my initiative in repairing (or at least attempting to repair) faulty processes. And then I had a really good time this morning, trolling some garage sales with Caroline; I bought a gorgeous Lenox creamware vase, urn-shaped with swan handles, for $20.

So, like I said, a pretty good week.

MOOD

I emailed my psychiatrist for my monthly check-in with her, and she felt that the short-tempered grouchiness I've been experiencing would be zeroed-out if I balanced my Wellbutrin with Zoloft; so now I'm going to be taking half-doses of the two antidepressants as well as the dose of the mood stabilizer (Seroquel); and if the drowsiness from the Seroquel doesn't sort itself out by the end of this week, to go back to the 50mg dose.

On Thursday, I experienced the severe depression, weepiness and suicidal ideation for most of the afternoon and into the evening; but I went to bed at 8 and slept for almost ten hours, and felt fine the next day. And as I said, the rest of the week my mood and my physical well-being was at a level that I would like to inhabit all the time... I mean, I felt really good most of the week. So we'll see what the Zoloft does to me, and hope that the short temper goes away with it.

(PS: I did a blood draw this morning and got the results just now... I love Kaiser's online services!... and my glucose levels are perfectly normal. So the Seroquel hasn't hurt me at all, and that's good to know.)

FITNESS & WEIGHT

I did not go to the gym nor pay the remotest attention to my diet, other than trying to avoid too many sweets and not overeating, all week. My weight was 225 this morning, down a pound from last week, so no tragedy. I think that I'm not facing any medication-caused weight-gain, so eating normally results in keeping steady; I still want to throw off that extra fifteen pounds, and really want to get into the habit of going to the gym after work. I just have to keep plugging away at it.

It seems as though I've hit a boundary with my wallowing: I hate my messy room, I hate being fat, and I hate everything being the same; I want to change. I realize that change will be slow, but I want it, so I will continue to work for it.

And on that note, ciao until next week!

Voter's License

I am thrilled to pieces about the overturn of "Prop H8"... I rather expected that the law would be deemed unconstitutional, seeing as how it is unconstitutional and any moron with a copy of the Constitution could figure that out; but I was braced for another suckerpunch such as I felt when the goddamned thing was passed in the first place.

In the gleeful aftermath of this landmark decision, I was enjoined by a fellow JUBber to visit the Fox News poll on the issue ("Did Judge Make Right Call In Gay Marriage Case?" is how it was phrased, as if it were a disputed base hit) and skew (or perhaps "balance" is a better word) the results away from the usual Fox News redneck reactionism. So I voted, pleased to note that my opinion was in the overwhelming majority at that moment (it went back and forth a lot, in the few minutes I spent on the site), and left a comment for the delight and enlightenmnent of others:

"It is the responsibility of the Judicial branch of government to interpret and enforce the Constitution, not the responsibility of the People; if the People vote for something that is in direct contradiction to the Constitution, it is the duty of the Judicial to overturn those votes. This is how we have a democracy instead of mob rule."

I read through the other comments, something I doubt many other commentors bothered to do, and was dismayed (but not surprised) by the complete lack of understanding of the System of Checks and Balances that I was taught about in junior high school Social Studies: they kept harping on "the will of seven million voters." They all seem to think that sheer numbers makes something right... as if all Justice requires is a whole shitload of people with no actual standing in the question being misled by colorful advertisements paid for by Mormons.

So my proposal is that voter registrations have an examination component, like being licensed to drive. Fifty questions on the Constitution and basic US Government concepts (such as immigrants have to pass to become citizens), and maybe a practical component where you have to demonstrate an ability to correctly interpret the text of a ballot measure.

Of course, considering that the possession of a driver's license doesn't guarantee, or even mildly encourage, good driving habits, one can't hope that licensure would create intelligent voters; still, it does keep the most dangerously ignorant malpractitioners in the passenger seat, and would reduce the disputes raised by the clearly misinformed.

Like when I had to take traffic school for a moving violation a few years ago. At the beginning of the class, the instructor led a round-robin introduction where we told what we were "in for," what violation had landed us in this Piedmont High School math classroom on a Saturday morning. And all of the people in the class claimed they had no idea that the thing they did was illegal (like the girl who pulled a u-turn over a median curb to get a parking space... how could that be illegal?) I knew that what I had done was against the law, and freely admitted it; I was just grateful that I spotted the CHiP in time to slow down... I'd been going over 100mph on a winding country highway, but he only clocked me at 80mph.

But in each of these cases, everybody knew that even though they had been ignorant of that fine point of law, they were still dead to rights or they wouldn't be there. They knew where the law was, and what it said, and they did not dispute the law nor seek to be vindicated by overturning the law... they only protested that ignorance=innocence (which, as all of us who were paying attention in Social Studies know, is not the case).

So, as this issue wends its way toward the US Supreme Court (which is a very scary place for a "moral" issue to be, right now) I will be following its progress. But I have to say, this decision (and you can read the whole thing over here, it's really interesting) has given me renewed faith in our system of government, faith that was seriously shaken by the passage of Prop 8. I am heartened to see that Justice can and will overcome opinions and feelings and moral stances from people who are not even affected by the law that they want to see passed and enforced. Reason finally wins a round!

O happy day!

Picture Post: Put That Thing Out!

I quit smoking twelve years and three weeks ago. I still frequently crave the cigarettes; but then I see these young people smoking... and it just pisses me off. I remember being young and thinking it was no big deal, I could quit when I want to, it's my body isn't it, I'm an adult I can make my own decisions... yada yada yada. I would give just about anything to have skin that fits again, being able to stay awake for more than sixteen hours, and standing up out of a chair without audibly creaking; but I would never wish to recapture the stupidity of youth.

Speaking of skin that fits, though...












But seriously, if you're a slave to the nicotine, you can get out from under it. I mean, what have you got to lose? I won't lie to you, it's incredibly hard to do, nicotine (especially the genetically altered nicotine of American cigarettes) is more addictive than heroin. But just think of the benefits to your skin, your breath, your lungs, and your pocketbook.

Think about it. It's gonna be illegal eventually, anyway, so why not get ahead of the trend?

Saturday Check-In

It's been a fairly nice week. I had an awful lot of work to do, all of the work I didn't do while I was on vacation, and wasn't really able to get caught up on it as I was constantly spinning around helping other staff members...we have some new staff, and staff sitting in different places, and somehow or another I got appointed the IT Guy. We have a designated IT Guy, but he's an outside contractor to whom you have to send a help-ticket email and then wait for him to come by or fix your programs remotely; it's so much easier to call me, I'm right upstairs and am completely unable to say "no" to people. One staff member, who transferred to us from another site, had one problem after another with her computer for three days solid... just about drove me nuts.

But then we ended the week with a great party, a pot-luck and games gathering that was just really nice, getting to relax with coworkers and not have to do any clienty-type stuff with them, just unwind and chat.

And I made the most fantastic peach cobbler, EVAH! It's Grandmother's old Easy Cobbler recipe, with some minor changes that put it right over the top. Want the recipe?

Grandmother's Easy Peach Cobbler

Batter:
• 1 cup flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup milk
• 1.5 tsps baking powder (not soda)
• 0.25 tsps salt.

Fruit:
• Large can (24 oz) sliced peaches in heavy syrup
• 2 cups sugar
• 1.5 cubes of butter
• Cinnamon and nutmeg to taste.

Preheat oven to 350°; put butter in a 9"x13" glass baking dish and place in warming oven to melt. Pour out peaches and syrup into a small saucepan; stir in one cup of sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg to taste. Let simmer while making batter.

In a pitcher, mix dry ingredients and then stir in milk. Stir but don't beat with whisk until smooth. Pour batter evenly over melted butter, careful not to let the batter touch the bottom or sides. Spoon peaches and syrup onto batter until covered. Sprinkle 1 cup sugar on top, then dust liberally with cinnamon.

Bake for 1 hour or until golden brown. Serve with warm milk. You can use this recipe with three cups of any kind of canned fruit in syrup. To use fresh fruit, cover 3 cups fruit with water in a small saucepan, add two cups of sugar to make a syrup, cinnamon and nutmeg to taste, and simmer until fruit is soft (I've never tried this, though...why go to all that effort when you can just open a can?)

Robert's Unbelievably Fantastic Variation
• Use smaller (18 oz) can of freestone peaches and add one large sliced fresh freestone peach.
• Use half-&-half instead of milk.
• Add generous dashes of ground ginger and dried orange peel to peach mixture.
• Share with friends and family (harder to do than you'd think).

So, anyway, that was my little foray into the domestic arts, and it got rave reviews. I came very close to eating the whole thing by myself, it was that good. But anyway, let's get on with the business at hand:

MOOD

My mood continues quite nicely; I didn't miss a dose of Seroquel or Wellbutrin all week. The Seroquel does make me awfully sleepy, though... I wonder if this effect is something I will get used to and eventually not notice? I mean, I don't feel stupid, or tired, or wobbly, I just feel this incredible desire to lie down and take a nap. I could probably get used to that, though I might actually have to go somewhere and lie down sometimes if this continues. The effect of being short-tempered, and having to exercise extra caution around saying inappropriately bitter things to people, has continued but has become more manageable.

There have been no other side-effects, no extra weight-gain, no sexual dysfuntion (though since I have only myself to please, this really doesn't matter... though I have noticed that it takes longer for me to orgasm now than it did when I was on lithium... it seemed then that just as I was starting to enjoy myself, it was all over; sessions last longer with the Seroquel. And you know, every time I change meds, my orgasms get better. I don't know if they just feel different, and different is always better, but they just keep getting better and better all the time. [/TMI]). I have to go get a blood draw sometime, I'll probably do it next Saturday if I remember, to make sure my glucose levels are still OK.

FITNESS & WEIGHT

I didn't go to the gym all week, again. I was just too sleepy at the end of the day, the very thought of climbing up on a treadmill nearly made me weep. And I didn't stick too closely to my diet, particularly during the pot-luck; but I somehow managed to lose four pounds anyway... I am 226 as of this morning.

FOLLOW UPS

For those who were sitting on the edges of their seats after my last post, I decided to not pursue my desire to communicate with either my cousin or my Grandmother... well, "decide" is such a strong word... really, I just ran out of the necessary energy to continue giving a shit. I wore myself out with the argument to the point that I don't feel like arguing with anyone; but I feel like I've worked out the pain and confusion. It's just one of those things that I may get around to or I may not. I don't care right now.

And for those who were wondering if I'd ever get a copy of the picture taken of me at Grand Ducal Coronation a couple of weekends ago, I did! And although it's not a full-length as I'd hoped (the gown was worth a full-length shot) I really like it! Though I think that wig is too big for my head, and I need to get rid of that little ball of fat under my arm. Wanna see?

And that's what's going on with me just now. I am going to go find some nice eye-candy for you, Picture Post to follow. And then I'm going to play my new game, Nightfall Mysteries: Asylum Conspiracies (I loved the previous Nightfall Mysteries game, Curse of the Opera... it was dark and creepy and delightful and ingenious; I hope to enjoy this one as well).

Toodle-pip!

A Letter to My Cousin

Following on the issue I discussed in my last post, I sat down and wrote a letter to my cousin, trying to decide while I wrote whether it was worth sending. I decided, after reading my first draft, that it wasn't... it was too strident, too much outrage leaked through; I cleaned it up a little, but it still feels wrong to send it... I have a gut feeling that it would cause more trouble than it could possibly resolve.

But I should consider showing it to Grandmother. I was also inspired to order a book that I've long thought about getting, Daniel Helminiak's What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality, which I hope will give me some talking points... or which I might even inveigle her to read.

In the meantime, even if I don't send it or give it to Grandmother, it's a pretty lucid and elegant hunk of writing, if I do say so myself; so I set it down here for you (and posterity):

I struggled a great deal with my need to communicate with you on this topic: on the one hand, I feel that there is something to be learned on both sides; on the other hand, I am reluctant to risk any hostility with family, with people I love and respect.

When you told us you belong to Focus on the Family, I was very shocked and hurt. I know that FotF does a lot of good among Christian families with counseling services, but they also do a lot of harm in the world with their stances and activities against gay people. And I believe that this harm outweighs what good they might do, much as the corruption of the Catholic Church outweighs by far any good that it does in its schools and hospitals and community services.

I don't mean to engage in a dispute over whether or not homosexual behavior is a sin; I don't believe it is, but neither do I believe in the incorruptible veracity of the Bible (in fact, I believe that Christ spoke against blind adherence to legalistic scriptures in place of truth revealed in a direct relationship with God) so my arguments there will probably not hold much water with one who does believe in it. However, I was raised in the Church of Christ, so I do know the Bible.

I know that there are a lot of sins in this life, some so easy to commit that you almost don't notice them (lying, gossiping), some so grave that everyone of every culture will agree that they are wrong (theft, murder). Homosexual behavior, as a sin, is somewhere in between these; and I really do think, if it were as grave an offense to God as many people seem to believe, that Jesus would have been directly quoted on the topic, rather than only Paul, that it would have been mentioned more throughout both Testaments, perhaps even been a Commandment.

Perhaps fewer people are likely to commit the sin, thus the fewer mentions; but can it really be worse than adultery, fornication, and other sexual sins? Can it be worse than blasphemy, idolatry, or dishonoring one's parents?

Now, I suppose any Christian would say that adultery and fornication are sinful, yet there is no movement of much size or strength aimed at stopping them or illegalizing them. Jesus is quoted in two Gospels as stating that divorce is wrong, and that to remarry is adultery (Matthew 19, Mark 10); but I don't see any massive Christian movements to overturn divorce laws and forbid remarriage. Many Christians divorce, and a great many of those remarry, and don't seem to think a thing of it; I know several remarried divorcees in our own family who are still considered good Christians.

I believe that some people focus on the sin of homosexuality, and imagine that it is worse than other sins, because it is a sin that they themselves aren't particularly interested in committing. It makes them feel better about the sins they do commit.

Further, I challenge anyone to find a passage in the Bible that states a homosexual orientation is a choice. It does not mention sexual orientations at all, in fact...the behavior, yes, but not the motive. No language of the ancient world had a word for such a thing (the word "homosexual" wasn't even invented until the late 19th century; nobody had ever before considered the motive behind the behavior)... just as they did not have words for cellular mitosis, or neutrons, or photosynthesis. It simply wasn't understood at the time; but that doesn't make it any less real, then or now.

I don't challenge your belief in God, but I challenge your belief in what some people say God wills. When people turn to Leviticus to underline homosexual sin, but in practice ignore pretty much everything else in the book (tattoos, shaving, bearing grudges, etc.), I have to wonder why they focus on only that one sin. I have to wonder why people use those passages to say that God hates homosexuality, but don't seem too bothered about His hatred of cross-breeding livestock or seeing various relatives naked.

While Paul disparaged homosexual behavior in three of the Epistles, he also condemned clinging to Old Testament laws when they cause dissent and turn people away from the Faith. And, as a matter of fact, Paul directed Christians to embrace complete celibacy, and only to marry if they were unable to contain their lust. No sex was called good, it was an animal desire that would take you away from God; but we do not condemn people or call them sick or confused when they cannot refrain from heterosexual activity.

The entire tenor of Biblical attitudes toward sex is that it is purely for procreation and not for our pleasure; yet modern Christian attitudes have leaned toward thinking of sex as something that is perfectly all right, so long as it is within marriage... second and third marriages included, with or without the possibility of procreation.

In Focus on the Family's position on homosexuality, it claims that "Sexuality is a glorious gift from God -- meant to be offered back to Him either in marriage for procreation, union and mutual delight or in celibacy for undivided devotion to Christ"; but I can find no scriptural basis for this attitude of "union and mutual delight": it is modern revisionism.

I challenge the belief that homosexuality is a choice. I ask you: did you have a choice? Did you wonder one day, "Should I be homosexual or heterosexual?" and decide then that heterosexuality was the right choice? Do you know of anyone who made such a choice? So why do you think I had a choice?

Why would anyone think I chose to be part of a reviled and abused minority? Do they suppose I woke up one day and thought that being gay, sacrificing family relationships and losing my religion and exposing myself to the hatred of others, was more fun than being straight?

Do they think I didn't pray to God to take this burden away from me?

I believe that God always answers our prayers; and that many times His answer is "no." Millions of gays have prayed for God to make them straight, and He did not. Is it because we didn't have sufficient faith, not any of us? Or was it because God wants us this way, made us this way, for reasons of His own which we cannot understand?

Millions of us have lost our faith and turned from Christ because we were told by our church leaders and our Christian families that God hates us because of what we know in our hearts that we inescapably and unalterably are. Millions of us have attempted or committed suicide because we were made to believe we were evil. Do you really think that's what God wants?

Whatever you think of homosexuality as a sin, please understand that none of us chose to be gay, any more than you chose not to be. We only chose to embrace what we are rather than hide it. We chose to seek love rather than deny ourselves that comfort forever. Perhaps that makes us sinners, but then everyone is a sinner. Only Christ was without sin.

Please understand that, despite what some people want to believe, homosexuality is an innate and unalterable state: if it were not so, the world would be filled with people who have stopped being gay, people who can testify and prove that God changed them from what they were into something else.

You might find a handful of such claimants, but I doubt their statements would hold up under independent examination. Even Exodus International, the largest and most profitable ex-gay organization in the world, only claims a 1% success rate, and cannot actually produce that 1% for examination by a professional or a panel of disinterested parties. No one has ever put forth a stable and observable group of exclusively homosexually-oriented people who became exclusively heterosexually-oriented.

You might find some who have managed to embrace celibacy, some who have managed to develop a latent heterosexual desire, some who have managed to sublimate their desires and act differently; but the nature is still there, fought against as our natural desires are always fought against when we believe them sinful. Homosexual desires can be suppressed and sublimated by will and faith just as heterosexual desires are; but they don't change, they don't go away.

So why do people insist on believing that we can change if we want, when millions of us have wanted it and tried so hard, but could not change?

I don't understand why people will believe something that can be so easily disproved, why someone would cling to what one psychologist says when thousands of other psychologists say the exact opposite. Do you suppose the overwhelming majority of the psychiatric and medical organizations in the Western world were just buckling under to political pressure, as Dobson says? Political pressure brought to bear by whom? The two percent of the population who are willing to admit that they are gay? That hardly seems likely.

And it's not just numbers that make something right, not just a majority opinion that has created medical and psychiatric policies toward homosexuality: there are studies, thousands of studies, covering decades of meticulous research, that show homosexual orientations are innate and unalterable, and that such orientations are perfectly healthy; we may not know what causes homosexuality, any more than we know what causes a number of observable phenomena, only that it's there and there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

There are no studies, no physical research, no proof either scientific or judicial to show that homosexuality is chosen and changeable: only beliefs and feelings and interpretations of scripture.

If it was about you, your health and your mind, whose statements would you believe? A doctor with the results of scientific research at his fingertips, or a faith healer with beliefs and scriptures?

I notice that people are perfectly happy to believe in science when it gives them light and warmth and medicine; but when it challenges something they thought to be true, which isn't about them and does not give them anything they want for themselves, they say that science and its methods are wrong. Why would you think that extending your life by means of science is good, but that the scientific explanation for anything that you don't already believe is just a lie?

I really don't understand these things. I hope that you can enlighten me.

And I hope you can believe that I mean all of this in love. I do love you very much, I see your faith and your kindness and your good heart; and so I feel it my duty to understand you, even if I can't agree with you. I hope that you can give me the same consideration.

So, what do you think? Worthy of publication? Some of the guys at JUB, when I shared the first draft of the letter, encouraged me to find some very public place to post it, for others to use as talking points or just for their own reference. I can't think where it should go, but I will certainly be considering that possibility.

To Speak Out, or Not to Speak Out...

I am and have always been very adamant about the importance of being Out to one's family, indeed to be Out to everybody one knows with any degree of intimacy. I think it's important not only to the advancement of gay rights but also to one's own self-respect.

But, shameful as this is, I myself am not entirely out, at least not to my entire family beyond the second degree of kinship. And right now, having just spent a few days with some of the extended family to whom I have never explicitly come out, it's really fucking with my self-respect to let this sin of omission continue.

As you probably know, I live with my Grandmother. She's very old and very set in her ways; and though she accepts and loves me as I am, it is despite the fact that I'm gay rather than including the fact that I'm gay. This has long been a sore spot in our relationship, and one that I would never advise someone else to put up with: but it is overpowered by all of the good in our relationship, so though I have a problem with her attitude towards homosexuality, I have balanced it against how many times she has literally saved my life, and chosen to accept it. I don't pretend I'm not gay, she doesn't pretend she accepts my homosexuality, and we simply don't talk about it.

But part of our "not talking about it" has come to entail my not talking about it to other people in front of her, or to people I know through her... such as people at her church and, more importantly, her immense clan of nieces and nephews and their descendants, some 150 people in three generations, most of whom I know personally. And I don't really hide the fact that I'm gay from any of these people, but neither do I say or do anything that would advertise or even just confirm it. And though this makes me feel like a hypocrite, I place it under the aegis of my love and need for Grandmother and let it slide.

This week I took Grandmother to visit some of her relatives... her niece Joann and nephew-in-law Nolan up in Redding, and her nieces Clarice and Jessica in Folsom. And I have to tell you, these are some of the nicest people you will ever come across: loving, happy, kind-hearted people who are just uplifting to be around.

But they are also conservative Christians... almost all of them. And not just lip-service Christians, but really involved Christians who read Christian literature and keep pray-for lists on their refrigerators next to the grocery list and have Jesus portraits on their walls, who serve as elders and ministers and missionaries in their churches (almost invariably Church of Christ, the same as Grandmother... not to be confused with United Church of Christ).

And worse, many of them have been duped by neoconservative media into espousing the radical right agenda of demonizing liberals, illegal immigrants, and gays. When I was at Joann and Nolan's house, I was glancing over their bookshelves, and there amongst the Concordances and Christian how-to's was Glenn Beck's Arguing With Idiots. And I nearly got into an argument with Clarice about the new immigration-enforcement law in Arizona.

I have a really hard time understanding how such kind people can subscribe to the bile spewed by people like Beck and Limbaugh and to a lesser extent O'Reilly... I suppose we all have our weaknesses, our little spiritual uglinesses, but it rather shocks me to hear it from people I love and admire, people who are otherwise so positive and kind.

And it got me to thinking, as I often find myself thinking when in the bosom of my Grandmother's family: how would they treat me if they really knew anything about me, if they knew from my own lips that I am gay? Would they still hug me and say how glad they are to see me and praise me for taking care of Grandmother so thoughtfully? Would they even allow me into their homes, around their children and grandchildren? Would they try to poison Grandmother against me, or respect Grandmother less for harboring me?

Tell the truth, I'd really rather not find out. And I really wouldn't want to risk hurting Grandmother by finding out: her family is incredibly important to her. I can just convince myself that they don't really buy into all of the things that the neocon haters say, that they aren't attracted to the Hate itself... they just feel reassured that there are people in the world who still supposedly believe in Christianity and traditional moral values.

But on the second leg of the trip, at Clarice's house in Folsom, we were joined by Jessica (who lives nearby in Placerville) for dinner. And during the course of conversation, Jessica told the story of how James Dobson of Focus on the Family had been duped into appearing on The Phil Donohue Show with the promise that he'd get to tell his side of the debate on corporal punishment for children (he's for it, of course), but was completely and very carefully crucified by the directors and Donohue himself... which actually inspired him to turn Focus on the Family into a media venture.

I knew about that episode, in fact the allowance for personal slant in the media and the problems that it causes is one of my hobby-horses; I agree that Dobson was treated badly and that Donohue should have had better sense than to skew the audience's reaction to his own personal values to such an extreme extent. But during this conversation, Jessica told us quite proudly that she is a member of Focus on the Family!

Now, I know that Focus on the Family does other work, Christian counseling on family issues being their raison d'être, and that this is what initially attracted Jessica to their group; but there is a reason that they are most commonly known as an antigay hate group: their position that homosexuality is a sinful and changeable state has been their most publicized position, and their work to supress gay rights their most visible activity.

That someone I know and love actually belongs to such an organization was devastating. I wasn't willing to get into an argument then and there, not in front of Grandmother and not spur-of-the-moment where I would be sure to say something irreparable in anger, and hear something irreparable said in anger (I had only bothered arguing the immigration law because it's not emotionally important to me), so I just went to bed and let them go on with their visit.

And as appalled as I was, I couldn't be surprised... as I sat and stewed on the situation, I remembered my aunt Judy telling me that Jessica was passing around pamphlets to do with some kind of Ex-Gay ministry at a family gathering a couple of years ago, thinking how tacky it was of her to do something like that at all but even worse to do it in front of me.

Of course, Jessica doesn't know I'm gay. She, like most of the people who believe as she apparently does, probably doesn't think she knows any gay people, that there are no gay people in her own family or community.

I have been stewing on this ever since... and the thing that really gets in my craw is that I feel like a coward and a hypocrite for letting something like this slide without doing something, or at least saying something. These people are running through life thinking that gays are some Other, something distant from them, unrelated, not quite human. They don't realize that we're all around them, in their families and their churches... and they don't realize that they're hurting us, even killing us, with their ignorance.

So my choice is this: writing to Jessica and entering into correspondence with her, using loving tones that will hopefully not instigate hostilities — that is the action toward which I am currently leaning, which has been advised by good friends to whom I've appealed for advice — but I'm not sure how to go about doing that, how to say what I need to say without attacking her beliefs; but I've also been advised to leave it alone for now, at least during Grandmother's lifetime, the threat of a shitstorm being more likely than the possibility of enlightenment, the likelihood of Grandmother being made unhappy so much greater than the likelihood of her relatives' understanding and learning — and so what good would be achieved?

What would you do?