Saturday, August 7, 2010

Saturday Check-In

This has been a pretty good week... it had some low points, but it had more high points. On one occasion, I even said aloud to the universe (and the two people in the room with me) "I feel good!" It was a lovely feeling, a feeling I once took for granted, but which now I must cherish and acknowledge whenever it occurs.

The high point was learning that Prop 8 had been overturned; although it really has little to do with me, as I've quite given up believing any man worth having would be daft enough to hitch his wagon to my trainwreck, I have to say that I was elated by the announcement. Walking on air, even. It was a relief from a load of anger and resentment I hadn't even realized I'd been carrying ever since November before last.

The low point was discovering that the pre-filled document I had lobbied for, and thought I'd gotten, and had already printed out, and had already announced to the rest of the staff, was after all a no-go; I was furious, partly because I really felt we needed that document pre-filled, but (to tell the truth) rather more upset that the announcement went out already and I would look a bit foolish having to retract it. I got so depressed after that (not because of it, I think, but rather due to the extremes of emotion, going from elated to irate within eighteen hours) that I was afraid I might not make it home... if the traffic hadn't prevented me from picking up any speed, I think I might have plowed my car into a tree or pylon.

But even that low-point was balanced back to the good when the director who pulled the rug out from under me about the pre-filled document took a moment to commend me in front of all my coworkers at the staff meeting on Friday. I guess I'm a sucker for praise, but I thought it was really sweet of him to give me a pat on the back for my initiative in repairing (or at least attempting to repair) faulty processes. And then I had a really good time this morning, trolling some garage sales with Caroline; I bought a gorgeous Lenox creamware vase, urn-shaped with swan handles, for $20.

So, like I said, a pretty good week.


I emailed my psychiatrist for my monthly check-in with her, and she felt that the short-tempered grouchiness I've been experiencing would be zeroed-out if I balanced my Wellbutrin with Zoloft; so now I'm going to be taking half-doses of the two antidepressants as well as the dose of the mood stabilizer (Seroquel); and if the drowsiness from the Seroquel doesn't sort itself out by the end of this week, to go back to the 50mg dose.

On Thursday, I experienced the severe depression, weepiness and suicidal ideation for most of the afternoon and into the evening; but I went to bed at 8 and slept for almost ten hours, and felt fine the next day. And as I said, the rest of the week my mood and my physical well-being was at a level that I would like to inhabit all the time... I mean, I felt really good most of the week. So we'll see what the Zoloft does to me, and hope that the short temper goes away with it.

(PS: I did a blood draw this morning and got the results just now... I love Kaiser's online services!... and my glucose levels are perfectly normal. So the Seroquel hasn't hurt me at all, and that's good to know.)


I did not go to the gym nor pay the remotest attention to my diet, other than trying to avoid too many sweets and not overeating, all week. My weight was 225 this morning, down a pound from last week, so no tragedy. I think that I'm not facing any medication-caused weight-gain, so eating normally results in keeping steady; I still want to throw off that extra fifteen pounds, and really want to get into the habit of going to the gym after work. I just have to keep plugging away at it.

It seems as though I've hit a boundary with my wallowing: I hate my messy room, I hate being fat, and I hate everything being the same; I want to change. I realize that change will be slow, but I want it, so I will continue to work for it.

And on that note, ciao until next week!

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